My name is Dave Horwitz.
I am a writer living in LA. I perform at the UCB.
My friend and I created DEALBREAKER and we wrote a book about it. I make videos too. If that's not enough, I also
Tweet.

DEHorwitz at gmail . com

Theme by nostrich.

29th July 2014

Video with 19 notes

Expectation vs Reality - 2014

26th July 2014

Photo with 33 notes

If any part of this makes you happy we can’t be friends.

If any part of this makes you happy we can’t be friends.

24th July 2014

Text with 31 notes

What would you do if it was your last day on Earth? Would you spend it with your loved ones? Would you get in your car and just drive until you ran out of gas or road (whichever comes first)? Or would you go to your favorite restaurant and order your favorite thing on the menu? And if so, what would you do if that restaurant was, for whatever reason, out of what you wanted? Maybe it’s a really fancy risotto and everyone orders it and they just don’t have any more that night, or maybe it’s a restaurant that you haven’t been to for a while and they changed their menu without you knowing because it’s been too long and you’re like wait, the lambneck ragu is off your menu? And they tell you yeah, sorry, there were some shakeups in the kitchen and that was Claude’s dish and he went to go open his own restaurant in Marfa, Texas with his new girlfriend who is, apparently, awful, so he sort of was the only one fighting for it to stay on the pasta list but the new head chef Alice kind of thinks pasta is on it’s way out as a fine dining trend and is moving more towards seafood and some rice dishes, and you’re like, well I hate to be a dick, but do you have the ingredients back there? I don’t care, I’ll pay extra. And they’re like, whoa you trying to big time me? Who do you think you are, Jay-Z? And you kind of look at them sideways like what does this have to do with Jay-Z and they tell you that once Jay-Z came into the restaurant and basically ordered off-menu because he really just wanted to eat a steak fajita plate with some chard and when he asked if they had steak, chard, and peppers and they said yes, he was like well can’t you just chop up the steak and put all of that in a skillet and dig up a tortilla or 3? And he was right, they could, so they did it, because some good press about a famous rap mogul getting what he wanted at their restaurant could really help their now sagging business (because let’s face it Luna’s is simply in the WRONG neighborhood for such upscale dining) but he didn’t even Instagram his meal or tweet about it or anything and no one got a picture with him so NO, we’re not going to make you your ‘favorite” dish for no reason and what do you even mean it’s your last night on Earth?

Would you do that, and maybe then just order the salmon because you’ve had it before and it’s not bad but sometimes the sauce is a little heavy? And then a few hours later your human form falls away revealing your alien lizard body and your spaceship comes back for you so you can return to your home planet and report your findings? 

I mean, you know, just asking hypothetically.

13th July 2014

Text with 40 notes

i think i just realized that tumblr and i have sort of a giving tree/little boy relationship in that when i came to this site i was a boy and tumblr had so much to offer me and now i am a man and tumblr is the stump that i sit on aimlessly uh oh

9th July 2014

Video reblogged from with 8,387 notes

this is a perfect joke.

(Source: rach-maninov)

8th July 2014

Text with 67 notes

i know sometimes it can be difficult to navigate the rough waters of dating and love and relationships and everything can feel up in the air and confusing and you might not know where you stand all the time and texting can be a real frustration and the whole online thing is just like ‘ugh give me a break’ but i think we can all unite under the universal belief that 2014 is the horniest year in the history of time like ever i mean including caligula times so everyone just go with it and be nice to each other because motherfuckers are like dogs in heat out there i mean holy shit are you serious i mean damn ya’ll  

Tagged: damn

7th July 2014

Video reblogged from The Vimeo Blog with 143 notes

vimeo:

A guy is beside himself again and again and again over a relationship.

Stars rising comedian Elisha Yaffe and Friday Night Lights’s Stephanie Hunt. 

One of my oldest friends made a short film and it’s excellent. Watch it!

2nd July 2014

Text with 37 notes

just decided i’m going to start calling ears of corn “rolls of corn” and you’re either with me or you’re against me.

26th June 2014

Photo with 20 notes

Somebody pinch me. 
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get a casual HJ ;)

Somebody pinch me. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get a casual HJ ;)

Tagged: Twittertwitter.com/Dave_Horwitz

24th June 2014

Video with 5 notes

Here’s your every-few-months-ly reminder that this song is all you need.

(Source: Spotify)

Tagged: All time favorites