My name is Dave Horwitz.
I am a writer living in LA. I perform at the UCB.
My friend and I created DEALBREAKER and we wrote a book about it. I make videos too. If that's not enough, I also
Tweet.

DEHorwitz at gmail . com

Theme by nostrich.

21st August 2014

Photo with 41 notes

A lot of people are reacting to Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda video the way their moms would react to ordering a piece of cheesecake for dessert. “Oh, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it, I’m so baaaad!” Well, ya naughty little bobos, I think the concept of a guilty pleasure is dumb. You should enjoy this amazing perverted insane thing at face (or ass?) value. Cheesecake is delicious. Butts are great. Life is beautiful. Amen.
A lot of people are reacting to Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda video the way their moms would react to ordering a piece of cheesecake for dessert. “Oh, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it, I’m so baaaad!” Well, ya naughty little bobos, I think the concept of a guilty pleasure is dumb. You should enjoy this amazing perverted insane thing at face (or ass?) value. Cheesecake is delicious. Butts are great. Life is beautiful. Amen.

Tagged: butts

19th August 2014

Text with 11 notes

One Act Play: Billy And Wayne

INT. TENT - NIGHT

Billy Ray Cyrus stands at the craft services table backstage at a large music festival. In the distance, his daughter Miley humps a teddy bear in a kiddie pool full of liquid MDMA while Odd Future Vines it. 

Wayne Coyne walks up wearing a long sequined cape and a sock over his penis and grabs a veggie hot dog. 

Both men look on as Miley continues to go wild.

BILLY: So, you and my daughter are friends, huh?*

(*The subtext here = “you are two years older than me.”)

WAYNE: Yeah, brother. She’s a real space angel.

Billy Ray winces.

BILLY: Um. What kinda stuff are you guys like, um, into?

WAYNE: Threesomes and psychedelics, man!

BILLY: Yeah, no. I figured.

They both keep staring forward, not making eye contact.

Cue “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin

Fade To Black

Tagged: One act play

17th August 2014

Text with 29 notes

Anything that raises 6 million dollars to fight ALS is okay in my book, but when people defend the Ice Water Challenge by saying that last year, WITHOUT the challenge, they only raised about $35,000, it says a lot to me about a society that’s become obsessed with attention/documentation. It feels like if we’re not being filmed and getting 40 likes for it, it’s not worth doing. Like “well of course I didn’t do it before, I couldn’t get a selife out of it.” Still though, 6 million. That’s pretty great. 

Sincerely,

#generationselfie

PS: I am not one to talk as I post constantly on IG, Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook. Just starting a supes cool dialogue on social meeds.

Tagged: follow me on instaobey your thirstpic a great filter for my funeral plz

13th August 2014

Photo reblogged from Je ne l'ai pas fait exprès with 26,711 notes

towerofsleep:

angrywocunited:

So the wife of Ferguson police chief says community is “feral”. 
A wild cracker appears.

jesus christ

FUCK.

towerofsleep:

angrywocunited:

So the wife of Ferguson police chief says community is “feral”. 

A wild cracker appears.

jesus christ

FUCK.

10th August 2014

Photo with 8 notes

All The Best Usernames Have Already Been Taken (2014)

All The Best Usernames Have Already Been Taken (2014)

Tagged: fartcoptwitter

31st July 2014

Photo with 24 notes

I was just accidentally tagged in this stranger’s photo on Instagram as the second kid from the right and I’m debating whether or not to let it take me on a whimsical Zach Braff-ian white male journey to find out what this life’s really all about (spoiler: the kid turns out to be my former self/me in a past life. A Broken Bells song plays as we go cliff jumping. Roll credits).

I was just accidentally tagged in this stranger’s photo on Instagram as the second kid from the right and I’m debating whether or not to let it take me on a whimsical Zach Braff-ian white male journey to find out what this life’s really all about (spoiler: the kid turns out to be my former self/me in a past life. A Broken Bells song plays as we go cliff jumping. Roll credits).

29th July 2014

Video with 21 notes

Expectation vs Reality - 2014

26th July 2014

Photo with 34 notes

If any part of this makes you happy we can’t be friends.

If any part of this makes you happy we can’t be friends.

24th July 2014

Text with 31 notes

What would you do if it was your last day on Earth? Would you spend it with your loved ones? Would you get in your car and just drive until you ran out of gas or road (whichever comes first)? Or would you go to your favorite restaurant and order your favorite thing on the menu? And if so, what would you do if that restaurant was, for whatever reason, out of what you wanted? Maybe it’s a really fancy risotto and everyone orders it and they just don’t have any more that night, or maybe it’s a restaurant that you haven’t been to for a while and they changed their menu without you knowing because it’s been too long and you’re like wait, the lambneck ragu is off your menu? And they tell you yeah, sorry, there were some shakeups in the kitchen and that was Claude’s dish and he went to go open his own restaurant in Marfa, Texas with his new girlfriend who is, apparently, awful, so he sort of was the only one fighting for it to stay on the pasta list but the new head chef Alice kind of thinks pasta is on it’s way out as a fine dining trend and is moving more towards seafood and some rice dishes, and you’re like, well I hate to be a dick, but do you have the ingredients back there? I don’t care, I’ll pay extra. And they’re like, whoa you trying to big time me? Who do you think you are, Jay-Z? And you kind of look at them sideways like what does this have to do with Jay-Z and they tell you that once Jay-Z came into the restaurant and basically ordered off-menu because he really just wanted to eat a steak fajita plate with some chard and when he asked if they had steak, chard, and peppers and they said yes, he was like well can’t you just chop up the steak and put all of that in a skillet and dig up a tortilla or 3? And he was right, they could, so they did it, because some good press about a famous rap mogul getting what he wanted at their restaurant could really help their now sagging business (because let’s face it Luna’s is simply in the WRONG neighborhood for such upscale dining) but he didn’t even Instagram his meal or tweet about it or anything and no one got a picture with him so NO, we’re not going to make you your ‘favorite” dish for no reason and what do you even mean it’s your last night on Earth?

Would you do that, and maybe then just order the salmon because you’ve had it before and it’s not bad but sometimes the sauce is a little heavy? And then a few hours later your human form falls away revealing your alien lizard body and your spaceship comes back for you so you can return to your home planet and report your findings? 

I mean, you know, just asking hypothetically.

13th July 2014

Text with 45 notes

i think i just realized that tumblr and i have sort of a giving tree/little boy relationship in that when i came to this site i was a boy and tumblr had so much to offer me and now i am a man and tumblr is the stump that i sit on aimlessly uh oh