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Just a chilled out but productive fall morning living that life with my Hollywood compatriot Jon Daly.
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This movie theatre employee is clearly living out some Batman utility belt fantasies with this concealed squeegee and I’m 100% on board. Do your thing, you lone wolf. Earn that concessions discount.
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Defying all logic and conventional wisdom, this is a real living thing that exists.
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Grown Man Tries To Convince Himself That He Likes The New Weezer Album
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I can never remember the security questions for my credit card’s bill pay website and I’ve gotten locked out of my account more than once. Today I called to change my password and the very nice woman asked me what my first job was. “Retail,” I replied. She told me that was correct (of course it was correct, you don’t work at a creepy, dying store like the now out of business Bradlee’s at age fifteen and a half without remembering it forever). Then she said “favorite movie,” and I immediately knew that I had put down “Beetlejuice.” I am reasonably sure that that is my all time favorite movie for reasons I’ll go into some other time (essentially: Michael Keaton is a national treasure and Lydia Deetz set the tone for every crush I’ve had on every girl throughout my entire life). There was a brief pause and the voice on the other end said, “that’s my favorite movie too. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.” I asked her if she was being serious. “Yes, it’s great. It reminds me of that song. When they’re dancing around—” “Day-O,” I interjected. “That’s right, Day-O, when they’re dancing around the table. I love it. Anyway, is there anything else I can help you with?” I replied that no, there wasn’t, and thanked her for her time.
The moral of this story is that everyone loves Michael Keaton. Good night.
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First official promo shot of the new branded content series “Apartment Guys.” What happens when Bruno, Chuck, and Mark, three guys, move into an apartment? Um, you better believe they’re gonna fight over who gets the last Jack Link’s Flamin’ Buffalo Tender Bite and Dr. Pepper 10! Apartment Guys: because houses are for chicks! (Regram from @ucbtla / photo by the incredible @vonswank)
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Okay team. One half down, one to go. I’m seeing a lot of heart out there. A lot of blood sweat and tears. I want you to leave it all on the field today. All of it. All that blood, sweat, tears and heart. Leave all of that shit strewn about the field. No, really. Not in a metaphorical sense though. Make a mess of that field. Leave your bones. Rip those bones clean out of their sockets and just let those suckers drop. Pull off all your body hair and scatter it. I want sinew and veins and organs everywhere! Leave your personality, too. Just kind of detach and accept the futility of life! I want you to be a husk of a human being when you step off that gridiron, just a hollow shell. Maybe try to look like the cadavers in the Bodyworlds exhibit. You know, that traveling exhibit where you can see what’s inside of dead bodies? That’s what I’m talking about. You guys are like a family to me. I love you. Now get out there before MY MUSCLE RELAXERS WEAR OFF!!!!!!!
(coach throws a chair or two, but you can tell he doesn’t mean it)
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Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to proudly present my ONE THOUSANDTH instagram pic. Look at that. That’s a guy and a gal (not so much frowning but definitely not smiling because they are committed to looking as cool as possible in the hopes that this may one day be grammed by one of them) and a Ferris Wheel on the roof of City Museum in St. Louis taken by the usually unforgiving front facing iPhone 4S camera run mercifully through some filters in a photo app that cost 99 cents because damnit I’m worth it and so is she and I’m going to be the old guy across all social media platforms I can just feel it and also I ordered an iPhone 6 at the Verizon store yesterday and a Jewy 60 yr old man with curly gray hair and a big hoop earing was in there transferring his contacts into a Samsung Galaxy and he was trying to relate to me and I was like this is it this is my future self the time space continuum is real and I’m fucking it up right now by politely nodding at him as he tries to get me to agree that this store is trying to rip us both off.
Anyway, we cute tho.
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Ah man, I’ve had like, 4 threesomes? Three of them were really awful. Just terrible. Awkward, just not good. But the other one? PERFECT. It was like what your 15 year old self dreamed it would be like. Awesome.
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