Girl, my love is Pho real.
Self Absorption at Discount Prices.
My name is Dave.
I live in los angeles and i write dealbreaker
I write, act, play, improvise, joke, etc.
send me something: DEHorwitz@gmail.com
Lazy Preventative Measures #3523634
Last night before going to sleep, I realized that thanks to the campfire at the party I was at, my clothes smelled a little smokey. I then removed them and proceeded to rub dryer sheets all over them. I woke up to see a single sheet resting atop my hoodie. It now smells like clean, freshly washed smoke.
HEY, girl...
…I should’ve gotten your number. There’s really no reason for me not to have just straight up asked you for your phone number. I think it’s a step in the right direction that I’m saying that here instead of a cryptic post called “it’s hard to be a person” or something like that. The fact of the matter is, I made a party mistake.
Game over, man!
The First Sketch I Ever Wrote: September 14, 2003
I was auditioning for my college comedy troupe, and I wanted to submit a piece of writing to increase my chances of being accepted. I had never written a sketch before, so of course I wrote a wacky job interview sketch. Features of this sketch.
- Misunderstandings
- Yelling
- Ambiguous Sexual Advances
- Butchering Someone’s Name For Comic Effect
- Crazy Boss Character
Here is the end of the sketch. In the 6 years since I wrote this, I can honestly say that I’ve gotten better. It hasn’t really aged very well. However, I’m still a sucker for a nice “yelling gibberish for no reason” moment. Comedy is hard!
![Girls Are Confusing Part 1 of ?
The above image is a scan of a card I found while I was visiting my old house a few weeks ago. It’s from a girl I dated on and off during my senior year of college. She and I had a brief thing right before winter break. She was very pretty and nice, and seemed to like me a lot. However, somewhere along the way she got distant, and then before leaving for a month she gave me this card.
The card is crudely made with kids temper paint, and the “Have a Good Break” is glue w/red glitter. This girl was 21 at the time the card was made. The figure is supposed to be her, wearing star sunglasses (a sticker, mind you), giving the thumbs up sign. Pretty whimsical, right? She was a cheery, fun loving, intelligent girl who loved doodling and painting, even though she knew she wasn’t much of an artist. It didn’t seem weird at the time. Nothing does when you’re crazy about someone.
What WAS weird, however, was what was written on the inside of the card. It’s important to know that we hadn’t really talked for a few weeks before she gave me this, and she was dodging my calls and IMs and giving vague excuses. It was really frustrating to me and I let her know it. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I received such a cheery and bright card, and my confusion when I read what was inside. Here, allow me to transcribe:
“Hey Dave-
I hope [winter] break gives you a chance to relax for once. I’m sorry for all the trouble and frustration I may have caused you over the last couple months (or years by the way I have made it seem in the past). I think you are such a catch and It’s too bad things had to get so confusing. I really am unavailable right now so don’t bother waiting for me but don’t forget about me either. Who knows?
<3, [redacted]”
She wasn’t intending for it to be funny, but apologizing for causing me frustration and following it up with the line “I really am unavailable right now so don’t bother waiting for me but don’t forget about me either. Who knows?” is actually kind of brilliant.
We got back together 6 months later and I broke up with her a month before moving to LA. Simpler times!
To be continued? Maybe?](http://14.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ksnvn902Yt1qzxhq4o1_400.jpg)
Girls Are Confusing Part 1 of ?
The above image is a scan of a card I found while I was visiting my old house a few weeks ago. It’s from a girl I dated on and off during my senior year of college. She and I had a brief thing right before winter break. She was very pretty and nice, and seemed to like me a lot. However, somewhere along the way she got distant, and then before leaving for a month she gave me this card.
The card is crudely made with kids temper paint, and the “Have a Good Break” is glue w/red glitter. This girl was 21 at the time the card was made. The figure is supposed to be her, wearing star sunglasses (a sticker, mind you), giving the thumbs up sign. Pretty whimsical, right? She was a cheery, fun loving, intelligent girl who loved doodling and painting, even though she knew she wasn’t much of an artist. It didn’t seem weird at the time. Nothing does when you’re crazy about someone.
What WAS weird, however, was what was written on the inside of the card. It’s important to know that we hadn’t really talked for a few weeks before she gave me this, and she was dodging my calls and IMs and giving vague excuses. It was really frustrating to me and I let her know it. So imagine my pleasant surprise when I received such a cheery and bright card, and my confusion when I read what was inside. Here, allow me to transcribe:
“Hey Dave-
I hope [winter] break gives you a chance to relax for once. I’m sorry for all the trouble and frustration I may have caused you over the last couple months (or years by the way I have made it seem in the past). I think you are such a catch and It’s too bad things had to get so confusing. I really am unavailable right now so don’t bother waiting for me but don’t forget about me either. Who knows?
<3, [redacted]”
She wasn’t intending for it to be funny, but apologizing for causing me frustration and following it up with the line “I really am unavailable right now so don’t bother waiting for me but don’t forget about me either. Who knows?” is actually kind of brilliant.
We got back together 6 months later and I broke up with her a month before moving to LA. Simpler times!
To be continued? Maybe?
The Strokes ft. Regina Spektor - Modern Girls and Old Fashioned Men (live)
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
French Kicks - So Far We Are
GPOYW: Myself-and-the-creator-of-modelsaresmart-have-a-new-web-show-coming-soon-edition.
