May 2013
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Smoke Break
(I almost never write short stories. This is one of them)
Casey ashed her Capri onto the rim of a dumpster outside of Pheasant, the best restaurant in a two and a half mile radius of itself. Thanks to a write up on a popular food blog (unfortunately or perhaps adorably named Small Plates, Big Words), the restaurant was positively slammed this evening and Casey, being the best and most oft...
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wow. yes. okay.
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i just deleted a self effacing yet still annoying...
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Things I Am Confused By #35246477
Females with Twitter handles like “TitsDragon” or “MisterGrandma” who have 12,000 followers, an avatar that’s a close up of a mouth or a tank top and a hand holding a footlong hot dog, tweets about like going on a date when you have a yeast infection, a jokey location like “in my cleavage,” and no URL link. Who are you? Are you comedians? Writers? Actors?...
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Iron Man III (SPOILERS)
I love Iron Man. I love Robert Downey Jr. When I went to see Iron Man II a few years ago at a Thursday Midnight screening at the Arclight in Hollywood, Jon Favreau and RDJ were THERE and they surprised the audience with an intro. I leapt to my feet and gave an almost involuntary standing ovation. I also vaguely remember yelling “you’re our greatest living actor!” So, I’m...
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Adam Sandler Calls Kevin James In 2006: A...
KEVIN: Hello?
ADAM: Kevin? Hey, it's Adam Sandler.
KEVIN: Hey, man! How are you?
ADAM: Good! Good. Big King of Queens fan, buddy! You're funny, man!
KEVIN: Thanks! Aw, that's nice to hear.
ADAM: Yeah, I love your comedy. So funny. Real good, limber, fat stuff.
KEVIN: What?
ADAM: Nothing. Anyway, I was talking to the other Bad Boys of SNL--
KEVIN: --wait, the what?
ADAM: The Bad Boys of SNL. You know, Schneider, Spade, Rock.
KEVIN: Oh yeah, that was the name of a VHS tape, right?
ADAM: Yeah, yeah. It had all of us. Our classic skits. Farley too.
KEVIN: Oh man, Farley, what a talent.
ADAM: I know, bud. So limber and also fat.
KEVIN: What?
ADAM: Nothing. Listen, you wanna do a movie with me? We play guys who pretend to be gay or something. The guys and I were talking. It's time for a new limber fatman. Whaddaya say, Chris?
KEVIN: My name is Kevin.
ADAM: No, totally, Farls.
KEVIN: Dude, what? My name is KEVIN JAMES.
ADAM: Sure, sure. Listen, do you want to make 200 million dollars in the next 10 years?
KEVIN: Um, I think so!? What's the catch?
ADAM: You have to let me and the guys call you Chris and you have to pal around with all of us in our mansions like we've all been friends since the late 80s.
KEVIN: Man, I don't know what's sadder: that request, or the fact that I am 100% in.
ADAM: It's a tie, Chris. Just like the red bowtie you wore in the Chippendales sketch.
KEVIN: Man...
ADAM: Shabbidydoo!
(Sandler hangs up the phone and finishes gluing Kevin's face on a 1993 SNL cast photo. Kevin turns on a DVD of Tommy Boy and starts taking notes).
Im not playing this show tonight because Harvard...
mikeeaglestinks:
I admit that I use the term ‘racist’ loosely.
In the past i’ve said that my android phone is racist against emojis and that Instagram is racist against Twitter. Aside from it simply being humorous to me, it points out the absurdity of an entity choosing not to operate alongside of another entity categorically rather than for reasons of quality.
Last night I got a phone call...
Staffing season
gregwhite:
Speed dating for writers.
Yes, very much so.
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April 2013
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Excerpts From A House Party
(I went to a house party completely sober last night and stayed for hours. As a result, I woke up remembering everything. Here are a few things worth mentioning)
I am immediately overwhelmed by how hot and thick the air is on the dance floor. “Call Your Girlfriend” comes on and everyone goes insane. Suddenly a self conscious wave of clarity comes over me and I realize I’m...
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Why? - Fatalist Palmisty
Hey, look. A perfect...
“[ BETH ]
Female - Supporting
19 year old female college student. Very...”
– NEAT ACTING JOBS IN LOS ANGELES, PART 1 OF 1 BILLION PART SERIES (via flamelikeme)
WHO IS WRITING THIS SHIT
COME WITH ME INTO THE PIT OF DESPAAAAAAIIIIRRRR
(via clambistro)
Um dude are you kidding me? This sounds fucking hilarious!!! Back Door Beth???? LOL x100000000!!!! The joke is that...
Anonymous asked: Awake?
why is anyone on the internet making fun of people...
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Today I said something out loud and realized I’ve never even acknowledged that it was something I felt. Nothing Earth-shattering, just a realization I had that I was communicating to someone else before I ever said it to myself. It felt like my brain was keeping a secret from me. That’s kind of scary and amazing to think about, that there could be a thought hiding in the dark recesses...
RE: The guy who dies in a plane crash in the song...
So he never flew in a plane before and died on his first ever flight. Not impressed. His death would have been a lot more ironic if he was the author of a book called “101 Surefire Ways To Not Die In A Plane Crash.”
the internet is a fun place to find new music and...
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WatchA real serious announcement! Ignore the date it was posted on! It’s 100% real!
March 2013
Anonymous asked: Do you have a snapchat?
I think I figured out what was missing from Spring Breakers. I would have liked to see the girls encounter a tough as nails chola played by Taylor Swift. Jet black hair, covered in tats, wielding a machine gun, or a switchblade, or both. She’d have a cool ass girl gang who did whatever she said, she’d curse like a sailor, have long acrylic nails, the whole nine yards. TONS of her grade...
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An Open Letter To Everything
Dear Everything,
This is as open as an open letter can get. It is literally to everyone and everything. Every single being in the entire universe. Living, dead, yet to be born, ghouls haunting the spirit realm, aliens with those weird heads and tiny shadow-stick bodies that all movies and TV seem to agree on, the gross scary stuff that lives really deep in the sea from Planet Earth, Beetlejuices,...
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Yesterday I was seated in the Virgin America terminal of Logan Airport waiting for my flight to board. I was sitting next to a woman in her early to mid thirties. Her probably three or four year old daughter was standing/pacing next to her, vying for her attention. “Mom! Mom! Mommy! Can I show you a game I made up?” The woman didn’t answer, and instead scrolled through party...
My Dad Predicts The (Shitty) Future
YESTERDAY IN MA
DAD: So how’s your car holding up?
ME: Fine!
DAD: Really?
ME: Totally great! Just got a tune up! No problem!
DAD: Hmm… that’s… good. So no problems at all?
ME: No, dad!
TODAY IN CA
I’m leaving my parking space and my car starts rattling every time I accelerate and the check engine light starts blinking.
MECHANIC: You’re looking at a...
