May 2013
May 24th
8 notes
1 tag
May 20th
6 notes
2 tags
Smoke Break
(I almost never write short stories. This is one of them) Casey ashed her Capri onto the rim of a dumpster outside of Pheasant, the best restaurant in a two and a half mile radius of itself. Thanks to a write up on a popular food blog (unfortunately or perhaps adorably named Small Plates, Big Words), the restaurant was positively slammed this evening and Casey, being the best and most oft...
May 20th
23 notes
1 tag
May 20th
98 notes
Listenwow. yes. okay.
May 16th
9 notes
1 tag
i just deleted a self effacing yet still annoying...
May 16th
38 notes
May 14th
33 notes
1 tag
Things I Am Confused By #35246477
Females with Twitter handles like “TitsDragon” or “MisterGrandma” who have 12,000 followers, an avatar that’s a close up of a mouth or a tank top and a hand holding a footlong hot dog, tweets about like going on a date when you have a yeast infection, a jokey location like “in my cleavage,”  and no URL link. Who are you? Are you comedians? Writers? Actors?...
May 13th
37 notes
1 tag
Iron Man III (SPOILERS)
I love Iron Man. I love Robert Downey Jr. When I went to see Iron Man II a few years ago at  a Thursday Midnight screening at the Arclight in Hollywood, Jon Favreau and RDJ were THERE and they surprised the audience with an intro. I leapt to my feet and gave an almost involuntary standing ovation. I also vaguely remember yelling “you’re our greatest living actor!” So, I’m...
May 12th
7 notes
May 10th
84 notes
May 8th
8,592 notes
May 8th
29 notes
1 tag
Adam Sandler Calls Kevin James In 2006: A...
KEVIN: Hello?
ADAM: Kevin? Hey, it's Adam Sandler.
KEVIN: Hey, man! How are you?
ADAM: Good! Good. Big King of Queens fan, buddy! You're funny, man!
KEVIN: Thanks! Aw, that's nice to hear.
ADAM: Yeah, I love your comedy. So funny. Real good, limber, fat stuff.
KEVIN: What?
ADAM: Nothing. Anyway, I was talking to the other Bad Boys of SNL--
KEVIN: --wait, the what?
ADAM: The Bad Boys of SNL. You know, Schneider, Spade, Rock.
KEVIN: Oh yeah, that was the name of a VHS tape, right?
ADAM: Yeah, yeah. It had all of us. Our classic skits. Farley too.
KEVIN: Oh man, Farley, what a talent.
ADAM: I know, bud. So limber and also fat.
KEVIN: What?
ADAM: Nothing. Listen, you wanna do a movie with me? We play guys who pretend to be gay or something. The guys and I were talking. It's time for a new limber fatman. Whaddaya say, Chris?
KEVIN: My name is Kevin.
ADAM: No, totally, Farls.
KEVIN: Dude, what? My name is KEVIN JAMES.
ADAM: Sure, sure. Listen, do you want to make 200 million dollars in the next 10 years?
KEVIN: Um, I think so!? What's the catch?
ADAM: You have to let me and the guys call you Chris and you have to pal around with all of us in our mansions like we've all been friends since the late 80s.
KEVIN: Man, I don't know what's sadder: that request, or the fact that I am 100% in.
ADAM: It's a tie, Chris. Just like the red bowtie you wore in the Chippendales sketch.
KEVIN: Man...
ADAM: Shabbidydoo!
(Sandler hangs up the phone and finishes gluing Kevin's face on a 1993 SNL cast photo. Kevin turns on a DVD of Tommy Boy and starts taking notes).
May 7th
30 notes
Im not playing this show tonight because Harvard...
mikeeaglestinks: I admit that I use the term ‘racist’ loosely. In the past i’ve said that my android phone is racist against emojis and that Instagram is racist against Twitter. Aside from it simply being humorous to me, it points out the absurdity of an entity choosing not to operate alongside of another entity categorically rather than for reasons of quality. Last night I got a phone call...
May 7th
255 notes
Staffing season
gregwhite: Speed dating for writers. Yes, very much so.
May 6th
8 notes
May 5th
43 notes
1 tag
May 4th
16 notes
May 2nd
115 notes
April 2013
2 tags
Apr 30th
13 notes
Apr 30th
17 notes
1 tag
Excerpts From A House Party
(I went to a house party completely sober last night and stayed for hours. As a result, I woke up remembering everything. Here are a few things worth mentioning) I am immediately overwhelmed by how hot and thick the air is on the dance floor. “Call Your Girlfriend” comes on and everyone goes insane. Suddenly a self conscious wave of clarity comes over me and I realize I’m...
Apr 29th
38 notes
1 tag
ListenWhy? - Fatalist Palmisty Hey, look. A perfect...
Apr 27th
15 notes
“[ BETH ] Female - Supporting – 19 year old female college student. Very...”
– NEAT ACTING JOBS IN LOS ANGELES, PART 1 OF 1 BILLION PART SERIES (via flamelikeme) WHO IS WRITING THIS SHIT COME WITH ME INTO THE PIT OF DESPAAAAAAIIIIRRRR (via clambistro) Um dude are you kidding me? This sounds fucking hilarious!!! Back Door Beth???? LOL x100000000!!!! The joke is that...
Apr 25th
63 notes
Apr 25th
16 notes
Apr 24th
52 notes
Anonymous asked: Awake?
Apr 20th
3 notes
Apr 19th
245 notes
why is anyone on the internet making fun of people...
Apr 18th
43 notes
Apr 13th
45 notes
Apr 11th
7,310 notes
1 tag
Apr 11th
17 notes
Apr 10th
1,329 notes
Apr 9th
9 notes
1 tag
Today I said something out loud and realized I’ve never even acknowledged that it was something I felt. Nothing Earth-shattering, just a realization I had that I was communicating to someone else before I ever said it to myself. It felt like my brain was keeping a secret from me. That’s kind of scary and amazing to think about, that there could be a thought hiding in the dark recesses...
Apr 9th
37 notes
RE: The guy who dies in a plane crash in the song...
So he never flew in a plane before and died on his first ever flight. Not impressed. His death would have been a lot more ironic if he was the author of a book called “101 Surefire Ways To Not Die In A Plane Crash.” 
Apr 4th
16 notes
the internet is a fun place to find new music and...
Apr 3rd
20 notes
1 tag
Apr 1st
24 notes
WatchWatch
A real serious announcement! Ignore the date it was posted on! It’s 100% real!
Apr 1st
11 notes
March 2013
Mar 28th
50 notes
Mar 28th
114 notes
Anonymous asked: Do you have a snapchat?
Mar 27th
2 notes
Mar 27th
29 notes
I think I figured out what was missing from Spring Breakers. I would have liked to see the girls encounter a tough as nails chola played by Taylor Swift. Jet black hair, covered in tats, wielding a machine gun, or a switchblade, or both. She’d have a cool ass girl gang who did whatever she said, she’d curse like a sailor, have long acrylic nails, the whole nine yards. TONS of her grade...
Mar 26th
17 notes
Mar 22nd
64 notes
Mar 20th
20 notes
2 tags
An Open Letter To Everything
Dear Everything, This is as open as an open letter can get. It is literally to everyone and everything. Every single being in the entire universe. Living, dead, yet to be born, ghouls haunting the spirit realm, aliens with those weird heads and tiny shadow-stick bodies that all movies and TV seem to agree on, the gross scary stuff that lives really deep in the sea from Planet Earth, Beetlejuices,...
Mar 18th
95 notes
1 tag
Mar 17th
22 notes
Mar 14th
19 notes
3 tags
Yesterday I was seated in the Virgin America terminal of Logan Airport waiting for my flight to board. I was sitting next to a woman in her early to mid thirties. Her probably three or four year old daughter was standing/pacing next to her, vying for her attention. “Mom! Mom! Mommy! Can I show you a game I made up?” The woman didn’t answer, and instead scrolled through party...
Mar 13th
77 notes
My Dad Predicts The (Shitty) Future
YESTERDAY IN MA DAD: So how’s your car holding up? ME: Fine! DAD: Really? ME: Totally great! Just got a tune up! No problem! DAD: Hmm… that’s… good. So no problems at all? ME: No, dad! TODAY IN CA I’m leaving my parking space and my car starts rattling every time I accelerate and the check engine light starts blinking.  MECHANIC: You’re looking at a...
Mar 12th
24 notes