December 2009
Bon Iver - Skinny Love
I have a confession to...
My Brother Reviews The Film Nine
“Yucky stupid idiot poop.”
Adult Life.
DAVE: Adult lives just happen, I guess. I want one.
PEARL: Yeah?
DAVE: Yeah. I need to be a LITTLE smarter first, though. I need to ratchet everything up a notch.
PEARL: I need to borrow that ratchet.
DAVE: Damn, I was going to ask you for yours.
PEARL: Oh. I got mine at IKEA. It's broken.
5 tags
“DEALBREAKER: You blog on dealbreaker, and think that there aren’t a...”
– Yvonne Chu, submitting a spicy little dealbreaker to my other blog. Guess what, lady, we know we’re not perfect, but we run a website that specializes in comedic writing!!!!!! LOL x4million!!!!!!!!
WatchPaul McCartney - Coming Up
Christmas run down
sade:
Welp. My mom busted me in my elaborate lie to get out of Xmas with my fucked up family. So. Quick list of things that happened:
I got drunk within the first 1/2 hour by making extremely strong eggnog
My lesbian aunt punched her girlfriend in the neck for insulting Canada
My 12 year old cousin ran away and we had to call the cops (he was hiding in the trunk of my car for 2 hours)
My...
SHOCKING REVELATION!
I JUST noticed that if you put together the letters in Will. I. Am’s name (the guy from the Black Eyed Peas), you get William!!!!! My mind is blown!
MIA ft. Timbaland - Come Around
not even...
He topped it!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Robin Williams! He closed his hour long stand up special with a bit about old movie stars having sex, culminating with Popeye having an orgasm. He got a standing ovation. Good work, everyone.
Robin Williams...
Dude just used the oldest and least clever joke in his new stand up special. That OLD joke about same sex marriage:
“Married people are going, Same sex marriage? That’s a little redundant, isn’t it? When you’re married, it’s all the same sex.’”
Honestly, when your stolen material has shown up on Jay Leno circa ‘94, Geocities era joke websites...
“Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), bass guitarist for the garage band Sex Bob-omb,...”
– Edgar Wright is trying his hand at being Diablo Cody. This premise makes me want to vomit into my Weetabix. (via jakec)
Jake, the comics are great. REALLY great. Like, so great that I can assure you that you will think they are great. I can’t stop saying great. This will not be D. Cody-esque. I can...
“Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), bass guitarist for the garage band Sex Bob-omb,...”
– Edgar Wright is trying his hand at being Diablo Cody. This premise makes me want to vomit into my Weetabix. (via jakec)
Jake, the comics are great. REALLY great. Like, so great that I can assure you that you will think they are great. I can’t stop saying great. This will not be D. Cody-esque....
Currently
Whittling a 45 song playlist down to 20 (or less) for the 4th Dealbreaker mix, set to DROP tomorrow. Perfect for your pre-xmas trips to the gym, flight delay airport entertainment, and post gift exchange hump seshes.
Albert Hammond Jr. - GfC
PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME
But I don’t think I will be seeing Avatar. I saw a trailer for it before Inglourious Basterds, and I got really freaked out by the huge blue cat/jar jar binx looking creatures. They sort of grossed me out and I didn’t want to look at them anymore. I think if I had to watch those blue cat people in 3D for 3 hours I’d probably have a panic attack. So, sorry?
Short Stories I Have Not Written
An Exploration: Boy to Man
Don’t Come With Me To The Woods -or- Come With Me To The Woods
Ruthless Tony And The Pinstriped Vest
College Weekends With Girls
Schoolgirls And Fudge Swirls
Suicide Is PainFUL (A Posthumous Account)
Never Fuck A Piemaker’s Wife
A Carriage Ride To Remember
The Girl At The Record Store
Lies Father Told
The Sexual Awakening Of Benjamin Delacroix
The...
Dear coffee shop,
could you stop blasting Paramore? Grandpa wants to listen to Pavement.
The Hanukkah Dragon Is Coming!
DAVE: Tis the season, Marisa!
MARISA: TIZ
DAVE: You know, a lot of people think that Jews don't have anything like Santa Claus.
MARISA: Not true?
DAVE: We have a Hanukkah dragon!
MARISA: Instead of bringing holiday cheer he brings holiday guilt!
DAVE: And fire!
MARISA: (and Nice Jewish Guys calendars)
DAVE: Lots of guilt, a little fire, and a few calendars. If you could talk to the Hanukkah dragon right now, what would you ask him for?
MARISA: "a pair of Louboutin shoes and a place to wear them!" (probably a quote from sex and the city 2, in theatres may 2010)
DAVE: Oh yeah, is it too soon to announce that we will be writing Sex and the City 3?
MARISA: no, I think this is the perfect time. We are experts because you have curly hair and I wear a bra.
DAVE: And together... we are… Sarah Jessica Parker
MARISA: Yes.
DAVE: Oh, and also we are gay icons. So, while we haven't gotten an OFFICIAL offer to write the 3rd movie in the SATC trilogy, I think we are more than qualified.
MARISA: Those movies write themselves: blah blah blah blow jobs blah blah blah kegels blah blah blah cosmos
DAVE: blablablablabla sailors blablablabla shoes blablabla new york blablabla botox. Did I do it right? I've never seen that show.
MARISA: I mean, yeah. I've seen every episode. You're totally a Miranda.
DAVE: You're totally the city that they have sex in.
MARISA: Happy Hanukkah, Dave. I hope the dragon doesn’t burn down your apartment.
DAVE: Me too! That’s where I keep my stuff!
