Timeline your life!
So… an old acquaintance just emailed me out of the blue asking about doing comedy in LA, and what my life’s been like since moving here. I left out the less relevant stuff (part time production jobs, crippling unemployment), but I managed to map out the last four and a half years of my “career” up to this point. Try it with your career if you feel up to it. It’d be...
Untested Pickup Line #352363467
Girl, I just got lost in your eyes. Can I put my GPS in them panties so I can find my way home?
laurataylor: Modest Mouse - Heart Cooks Brain ...
My eye won't stop twitching, so...
…if you see me tonight, I’m not obsessively winking at you. Except for YOU. I’m winking real hard at you, toots.
Dating must be a lost cause for the guy who...
Director: Oh, that’s so great that you work with animals! I love puppies! Date: Me too! (they both laugh) Date: So, you said you make movies? That’s impressive! Anything I’d have seen? Director: Well, I just made one about a guy who sews a girl’s mouth to a guy’s butt, and then another girl’s mouth to the first girl’s butt, and then they all share a...
Currently listening to the new Minus the Bear. →
wordsbycodi: I’m a sucker for this band. They’re playing on the 20th of May in LA. I’m making it a b-day treat for myself. Nothing like a new batch of songs about 35 year old dudes making out, drinking wine, and lounging on yachts at midnight.
salu-tay-tions: Come listen to a new old song I...
The Adventures of Horse and Man: Episode One
HORSE: Hi, what’s going on? MAN: Oh, nothing. Just came in here to feed you some oats. HORSE: What’s that in your hand? MAN: Oats. HORSE: Your other hand. MAN: Nothing. HORSE: Don’t talk to me like I’m an asshole. You’re clearly holding something, let’s see it. MAN: Okay, fine. (he holds out something long and pointy) HORSE: Is that a fake horn? (Beat) MAN:...
My Friend Bret On Giving Up On His Dreams
BRET: If I was where I am now and thought I sucked at all the things I do...wow, I don't know, I think I would walk down to the nearest commercial industrial park, pick an address, ask for a job application, and call it a life.
DAVE: Get married to a women you never loved.
BRET: Wow, I didn't even plan for that but yeah probably. Probably meet her at the office, where I would make jokes about coffee that people would only laugh at to be polite.
BRET: in their defense, the jokes would not be funny.
Any time I lose a follower
I assume that they’ve deleted their Tumblr rather than just unfollowed me.
FORMSPRING: Is LA The Worst Place To Be Single Or...
Absolutely not. The worst place to be single is probably inside your own brain. LA has decent bars and great comedy and art and film and other fun things to do at night. And even if you don’t want to do those fun things or go to those decent bars, you’ve probably got friends who want to. And those friends meet friends and then they have game nights and wine and cheese whatevers and writers...
FORMSPRING: In your life, is being Jewish more of...
Being Jewish to me is strictly a state of hair/eyebrows/stomach. I have no religious faith, and although my family tries to maintain some semblance of practicing Judaism, they never really keep it together. For example, I went to an informal Hebrew school through a community organization that met at a Girl Scout House and ultimately, our teacher’s living room. My Bar Mitzvah was held in...
Epilogue (When I was 18)
-I eventually transferred to a different school where no one wore visors. -I dated other girls. -I slowly started liking better music. -Seth Rogen went on to become one of the most successful writer/actors of our times. -I saw Julia Stiles at a bar a year ago and she didn’t remember being on my dorm wall. The End.
When I was 18...
I’m going to spend the next 30 minutes or so blogging as if I was a freshman in college circa 2001-2002. I just had a nostalgia overload and turned my brain into a time machine. This will be fun (for me).
It’s like I knew two of you, man. The one before and after we shook hands.– Spoon- The Agony Of Lafitte
I'm a Real Facebook Dork #5352346457
I just sent this message to the “Maybe Attending” people on an event invite: “‘Sup maybes? How’s it going? That’s good. Listen, I get it. I get clicking that little “maybe attending” tab. Feels good, right? I’ve done it a million times. We all have. We’ve done it on nights where we don’t know if we’ll have to work, nights we...
An Open Letter To My Waiter On Monday Night →
“Nothing makes you feel more like a fat American than the Appetizer Sampler Platter. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, a few seasoned fries will make their way onto the Platter and you will gobble them up and smile and remember about that one time in college when you broke into the swimming pool at the Best Western.” -Jennie Pierson, mining poetry from batter-dipped food.
dinosaurparty: brandonnn: Oh man, I like this lots. Dosh – “Airlift” Video (Stereogum Premiere) | Stereogum instantdoshrebog
My Friend Almie on Kevin Costner
ALMIE: That assclown stole the Oscar from Marty. GOODFELLAS! And don’t tell me that wasn’t his fault because he campaigned (bribed) like a little bitch! And then made a lame ass speech when he won! ALMIE: god i hate kevin costner!!!! DAVE: I was too young to care and so were you. This is revisionist history. ALMIE: i know but i was always an oscar nerd. i used to tape them on my VCR....
INDISPUTABLE TRUTH #4565756486799
Don Rickles would be a lot funnier if his name was Ron Dickles.