August 2011
1 tag
1 tag
i miss the hipster grifter
:(
July 2011
3 tags
Louie: A Show So Good, You Can't Review It
So, everyone on the internets and their sisters and brothers and extended family and pseudo-cousins (you know, the people that your parents were really close with in college and then they became “cousins” despite no familial relation) love Louie. Everyone who writes for a publication that anyone still reads loves Louie. You love Louie. Louis CK loves Louie. So, in case you...
TRAV$$: The Three Levels Of Non-Issue →
travvy-trav:
Brian Kaminsky at Huff and I came up with the “The Three Levels Of Non-Issue” a few days ago.
EDGE CASE. You know it almost never happens but you’ve seen it. You grit your teeth and fix it.
UNFOUNDED WORRY. A circumstance so unlikely that your head says it’s possible, but this time, your heart…
Travis Morrison, of my favorite band and yours, The Dismemberment Plan, is now...
i mixed tejava iced tea and red bull because i was sleepy at work and now i don’t remember how to be an adult. tips?
1 tag
1 tag
2 tags
You're
You’re not awkward, you’re just nervous.
You’re not a nerd, you just like movies.
You’re not “random,” you just enjoy making a lot of references.
You’re not interesting, you just have a trust fund.
You’re not smart, you just own a computer.
You’re not cultured, you’re just wearing a scarf.
You’re not attractive, you’re...
2 tags
1 tag
How come no one told me about Simon Amstell?
1 tag
Fruit Bats - The Earthquake of ‘73
...
Come on, everyone. Just give it a DAY. Then you...
Maybe that’s asking too much? SIX HOURS?
Just be people.
1 tag
1 tag
WILD FLAG NOVEMBER 2 @THE TROUBADOUR
Got my tixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
talia-bobalia-deactivated201201 asked: How were those rejected?! They were all so funny :[
2 tags
Rejected Monologue Jokes 7/18 - 7/21
My favorite thing to write has NEVER been monologue jokes, because I think they are unfunny by design. But now I have to write them for work, and a lot of them don’t get used. Here are a few of them!
-In an interview, Casino owner Steve Wynn said the American economy is suffering because businesspeople are terrified of Obama. In a related story, the Japanese economy is suffering because...
1 tag
Two Pretty Girls - A One Act Play
A man is talking to two pretty girls.
MAN: Hey, how do you two know each other?
GIRL 1: From being pretty!
GIRL 2: Besties!
The girls hug.
The end.
3 tags
On Drunk Girls
Last night, the drunkest girl at the bar sidled up to me and began to hit on me more obviously than anyone’s ever hit on anyone before. We’re talking knee-in-the-thigh, full on eyeball fuckery, repeating the phrase “I’m coming onto you,” insisting that she thought I was 22, close talking, and literally everything else in the drunk girl bag of tricks. The people I was...
2 tags
1 tag
WHOOPS
i drank all the drinks.
last night.
4 tags
“Every girl is named Katie.”
– My new, untested theory. Feedback encouraged.
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
“Yeah, this is like Marshall’s rock. I’m definitely in the...”
– My friend Bret’s reaction to being played Beth/Rest, the last track on Bon Iver’s new album.
2 tags
“The first draft is nothing more than a starting point, so be wrong as fast as...”
– Andrew Stanton (Pixar)
Beulah - Dig The Subatomic Holdout #2
3 tags
WatchMini-Beirut came right up to Codi and I and started playing music. It was perfect until they demanded a tip, and even then it was still pretty perfect.
I either know nothing about fashion or everything...
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
Tallie-n-Dave in: Gunfight
DAVE: Ch-Ch-Blaw! thats a gun sound. TALLIE: get over yourself, get over your gun. DAVE: YOU get over my gun! ka-pow! TALLIE: quit shootin, quit shootin that gun. DAVE: you quit movin so much or yewr gonna get shot. ch-ch-blaw. TALLIE: CH-CH-BLAW. DAVE: Oh my god where’d you get that gun oh god i’m shot. TALLIE: oh oh no. DAVE: the blood it’s different than in the movies....
1 tag
There Was Zero Chemistry
No wait, that’s not totally right. There was actually less than zero chemistry. Two people have never had less in common. After the initial physical attraction brought them in front of one another, there was nothing. There was just the void. Two humans intrinsically linked by nothing other than the vague notion that their genitals might fit together. Because they would. Because that’s...
“Guys, I’m going to meet my wife tonight.”
– My friend Adam would say this in college walking into every house party we would go to.
1 tag
“Girls who wear glasses actually look better when the glasses are on top of their...”
– an actual “theory” I was working on in 9th grade. It was as unpopular as you might imagine, mostly because it made no sense.
Watchjacobreed:
tremendosaur:
HAPPY 4th of Ju-PIE!
CAST Justin Michael as Uncle Sam Jacob Reed as Uncle Sam Skyler James as Drummer Boy The Trojan Men as Mens Choir Andres du Bouchet as Bald Eagle Paul Rust as Lady Liberty
CREW Executive Producer - Funny or Die / Mike Farah Producers: Ally Hord / Tremendosaur Director by: Dustin Bowser, Justin Michael, Jacob Reed Written by: Justin Michael, Jacob...
