September 2011
Text Exchange W/Houseguest
(After missing a call from him)
ME: Hey, I was on the phone. What's up?
JOE: I have your keys.
ME: Put em in yo butthole.
JOE: (no response)
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Wolf Parade - Soldier’s Grin
this place...
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Overly Specific Catcalls
1. GIRL, YOU LOOK SO GOOD I WANT TO SCREAM! WHAT I’M SAYING IS THAT THE VERY IDEA OF YOU BEING AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOU ARE IS CAUSING ME ANGER. I AM HAVING A PHYSICAL, SPECIFICALLY VERBAL, REACTION TO IT! DAMN!
2. OOOH BABY, I WANT TO CAUSE YOU TO HAVE A SEXUAL AWAKENING THAT MAKES YOU OPEN UP SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY! I WANT TO GO TO A BED AND BREAKFAST SOMEWHERE IN THE MOUNTAINS AND...
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Watchjoemande:
Here’s my Conan set from last night. Somehow, I managed to keep it together despite being completely distraught over Andy Rooney’s sudden resignation.
This guy is sleeping on my couch this week. I can’t believe his entire set isn’t about how amazing my shower’s water pressure is. But I’m glad it’s not, because his jokes are really funny.
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I Lost My Job Today
1,000 word piece of the same title to follow sometime later today/this week.
Anyone hiring a walking fro with a lot of jokes and a functioning Macbook?
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The Best Thing Is
Saying the kind of drunk person sentence like “I think we’re going to be friends for the rest of our lives,” and waking up sober and still meaning it.
Anonymous asked: Aw. Well I sincerely hope you get well soon.
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The Common Cold Is Bullshit, And So Are You
I’ve been sick for 4 or 5 days, and I’m coming out of it, but I still feel gross. It’s given me a lot to think about, and a lot of time to think about it in. Here are those thoughts.
-Once you live on your own, away from your family, no one gives a shit about your cold. Tweet, blog, and Gchat all you want, but the most you’re going to get is...
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Jessica Williams: An Adorable List of Words and... →
msjwilly:
“Tweeter”= Twitter
“Epiphomy”= Epiphany
“Chipotles”= Chipotle
“Tes-tos-trogen”= A tricky one, a combination of Testosterone and Estrogen. She usually mean Testosterone.
Ambercrunkie= Abercrombie
“Cities Brigade”= The Upright Citizens Brigade
“Angela Joe…” (She usually trails off in…
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WatchWORLD PREMIERE! Two years in the making, a show about two co-workers who hate each other, hate the coffee shop they work at, and hate the superpowers they’ve mysteriously developed.
Swift and French
Written by/Starring Erin Gibson & Dave Horwitz
with Marisa Pinson and Billy Merritt
Directed by Tyler Gilette / Special Effects by Chris VanArtsdalen
Pass it around if you like it, will...
FUCK THE EMMYS I JUST DISCOVERED MISFITS!!!!!!
Latest late pass of all time. I’m on episode 2 and I know how I’ll be spending the next 5 hours.
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My Scene With Ryan Gosling Got Cut Out Of Drive
I have the dialogue from the script, which I will share now. I played a hitman who tried to hire Gosling's character to drive him back from a job.
DAVE: Thanks for meeting me. This is a big job.
RYAN: Okay.
DAVE: I gotta take out this guy. A real piece of shit. Money's good, work is easy. Think you can do it?
RYAN: (looks at a tree just past my head)
DAVE: Well?
RYAN: (makes a fist with his left hand, then cracks his knuckles)
DAVE: Can you do the job? What's going on?
RYAN: (picks up a leaf on the ground, studies leaf)
DAVE: CAN YOU DO THE JOB I NEED YOU FOR? THIS INTERACTION IS VERY SIMPLE!!
RYAN: (coughs)
DAVE: PLEASE GOD SAY SOMETHING! WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?????
RYAN: I gotta go.
He exits.
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The Mae Shi - Run To Your Grave
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Watchattentiondoozers:
“Do you wanna dance with me?”
vincentpeone:
I LOVE this. I loved seeing it live, and I love watching this sketch.
joshruben:
I directed this short featuring a tour de force performance by Murderfist’s Henry Zebrowski. I love this group, and I love this man.
A++++++++++++
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Everyone's doing a real bang up job discussing...
Just really hitting it from all angles, guys. I think we’re cracking this thing WIDE open. Here’s the real question though: how do we feel about the gigantic Eddie Murphy head that was being driven around to promote “Meet Dave” several years ago. What of the sheer implications of THAT, I ask?
Until we address this, we are ignoring the real issues.
Gigantic. Eddie....
Grizzly Bear - Alligator (choir version)
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butwhat:
theidiotking replied to your post: Hypochondria + crippling doctor anxieties
Hey you. Have a seat. You wanna talk about it? Here, have some lemonade. Fresh squeezed? You betcha.
I see your lemonade and raise you some vodka.
(Did you guys know that I’ve seen Dave perform a handful times - he’s ril’ funny - and I can totally imagine him saying these things even though he’s never met me...
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COOL DOG STORY, BRO
I love dogs. I love a lot of people, but I love dogs unconditionally because they don’t need anything from me and since I don’t have one, I am not responsible for their well being. But I like feeling like I connected with a living thing using only minimal effort. Which is why last night filled my heart with excess happy.
I was walking to a party that would turn out to be enormous and...
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I am still at work.
And I’m pretty sure it’s because I bragged on here about getting out two and a half hours early a few weeks ago.
I accept my punishment.
Watchabedinthemorning:
bradynovak:
“Perfect,” by Kelsy Abbott and Brady Novak. With DeMorge Brown and Eric Acosta. It’s goofy fun!!!
Wow I loved this!
I really like this for reasons I’ll probably never be able to articulate. High marks!
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The Unreleased Tweets of Courtney Stodden
Okay FINE I admit it: I’m Courtney Stodden’s ghostwriter. I get paid $20 per tweet and all the 5 Hour Energy shots I can stomach (12 a day). Here are the unreleased tweets that DIDN’T make the cut:
-MAKING A SAVORY LOVER’S WAFFLE IN MY BED PLACE. MMMMM THAT IS THE DELICIOUS WAFFLE NOISE.
-A real joy in life is to stop and peel a grape in the most sexy of ways. Oooooooooh...
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Stories that dudes tell about girls
…that DON’T end with them getting laid, end with, “and then I got home and looked at my phone and guess what I had? ONE NEW TEXT.”
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White Denim - Don’t Look That Way At It
...
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Television - Glory
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"Why Don't You Get A Job" by The Offspring
This might be the worst song of all time. I’ve had it in my head for an entire month. I am angry. I am really, really angry and I’m not going to stand for it any more. First of all, the lyrics were written at a sub-8th grade level:
My friend’s got a girlfriend man he hates that bitch he tells me everyday he says “man I really gotta lose my chick in the worst kinda...
