The Common Cold Is Bullshit, And So Are You

22nd September 2011

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The Common Cold Is Bullshit, And So Are You

I’ve been sick for 4 or 5 days, and I’m coming out of it, but I still feel gross. It’s given me a lot to think about, and a lot of time to think about it in. Here are those thoughts.

-Once you live on your own, away from your family, no one gives a shit about your cold. Tweet, blog, and Gchat all you want, but the most you’re going to get is a conciliatory ”awwww.”

-…WHICH is all you deserve! You’re not special! The human body just DOES this to us once or twice a year, and no amount of dieting and regular exercise is going to stop it. It’s like that pill that gives ladies one period a year. Sure, it’s only one, but it must be a fucking DOOZY.

-Cold Medicine is a crock of fucking shit. I don’t know how it took me the bulk of my life to realize that all it does is knock you out to distract you from your disgusting illness, and then you wake up groggier than before, covered in your own putrescence. There’s an entire aisle at all major drugstores that is kept alive by our own ignorance and wishful thinking! We’re assholes!

-Drinking a Hot Toddy (Whisky, hot water, lemon, honey) is not like drinking a cup of tea. You should not be commended for treating your body right and ordering this in place of a beer or mixed drink. You are still drinking alcohol, which is fuel for sickness. You’re just adding coal to coal pit, or lighter fluid and a match to a coal-based grill. Whatever that was almost a good metaphor SHUT UP.

-Loading up on orange juice, cough drops, gatorade, and FUCKING SORBET (you little bitch) will do wonders for you, if you’re trying to break a personal canker sore record.

-Trying to be charming, witty, articulate, coherent, or even just borderline human is damn near impossible in the midst of a cold. When you’re at your worst, just go under a bridge and stay there until your face returns to “person status.”

-If you ever pity yourself for having a cold, an affliction that is shared by literally everyone in the history of ever, just Google “Famine.” Nothing more specific than that. Just the word alone will do.

In conclusion, I got the sniffles weeeewe baaaad and it’s making me cwaaaanky.

Tagged: writing brain

Self Absorption at Discount Prices.

The Common Cold Is Bullshit, And So Are You