My name is Dave Horwitz.
I am a writer living in LA. I perform at the UCB.
My friend and I created DEALBREAKER and we wrote a book about it. I make videos too. Oh, and I
Tweet. And if that wasn't enough, I'm on Vyou.
DEHorwitz@gmail.com

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28th September 2011

Text with 42 notes

Overly Specific Catcalls

1. GIRL, YOU LOOK SO GOOD I WANT TO SCREAM! WHAT I’M SAYING IS THAT THE VERY IDEA OF YOU BEING AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOU ARE IS CAUSING ME ANGER. I AM HAVING A PHYSICAL, SPECIFICALLY VERBAL, REACTION TO IT! DAMN!

2. OOOH BABY, I WANT TO CAUSE YOU TO HAVE A SEXUAL AWAKENING THAT MAKES YOU OPEN UP SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY! I WANT TO GO TO A BED AND BREAKFAST SOMEWHERE IN THE MOUNTAINS AND REALLY JUST WORK SOME STUFF OUT, UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT MAYBE THE ANSWERS TO YOUR PROBLEMS DON’T LIE IN THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF A 9 TO 5 OR THE CONFINES OF A LOVELESS MARRIAGE, BUT WITH ME! IT’LL BE LIKE EAT, PRAY, LOVE, BUT REPLACE EATING AND PRAYING WITH BONING AND EXTRA BONING.

3. DAMN! THE LAST TIME I SAW A WOMAN AS FINE AS YOU, IT WAS LIKE… HANG ON LET ME THINK. IT WASN’T 2009 BECAUSE I WAS WITH RACHEL THEN AND I PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE NOTICED ANOTHER WOMAN. I MEAN I ONLY HAD EYES FOR RACHEL, AND WHILE SHE WASN’T WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A “CLASSIC” BEAUTY, SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL IN HER OWN WAY AND I GREW TO LOVE HER VERY MUCH. IT’S TOO BAD SHE HAD TO LEAVE FOR THAT TEACHING FELLOWSHIP. I HEAR HER NEW FIANCE’S NAME IS HUGH, WHICH IS JUST SO TYPICAL. ANYWAY, IT WAS PROBABLY LATE LAST FALL, 2010. YEAH, IT’S GOTTA BE THEN BECAUSE I WAS COMING BACK FROM A TRIP TO VISIT MY FOLKS AND I REMEMBER THAT THE LEAVES ON THE TREES ON THE FREEWAY HAD ALL CHANGED AND WERE FALLING OFF. ANYWAY THAT’S WHEN I WENT INTO A REST STOP TO GET A COFFEE AND THIS GIRL IN LINE AHEAD OF ME HAD THESE YOGA PANTS ON. LOOK I’M NOT A PERVERT BUT I GUESS IF YOU CALLED ME A “BUTT MAN” I’D BE GUILTY AS CHARGED. ANYWAY SHE WAS LOOKING THROUGH HER IPHONE AT ALL THESE PICTURES AND ONE OF THEM WAS OF A REALLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. AND SHE WAS THE FINEST WOMAN I’D EVER SEEN, ALTHOUGH IT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN A REALLY FLATTERING ANGLE. SO, YEAH. YOU’RE FINER THAN HER.

(just one of the countless reasons I’d make a terrible construction worker)

Tagged: listomania

  1. otherthingsisay reblogged this from theidiotking and added:
    It’d work for me.
  2. slaughterhouse-jive reblogged this from theidiotking
  3. sun-smudged-peach-moon reblogged this from mchotdog
  4. mchotdog reblogged this from theidiotking and added:
    my first day back at
  5. anniebelle13 reblogged this from theidiotking and added:
    BONING.” Omg laughing so hard.
  6. aubreybell said: This made me laugh so much.
  7. monsterbeard said: “Replace eating and praying with boning and extra boning” - You win the internet for the day.
  8. youfancyme said: this is beautiful
  9. samusmaximus reblogged this from theidiotking and added:
    just leaving this here
  10. theidiotking posted this