Party Expose: Nothing Good Happens After 2:30 AM

25th September 2010

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Party Expose: Nothing Good Happens After 2:30 AM

I KNOW there are exceptions. I know that in New York City, bars stay open until four. I know that there was this one time that you did karaoke until the sun came up and you lost your voice and it was totally worth it. I know that one time you met a girl at your buddy’s housewarming party who was visiting from out of town and you stayed up all night talking and then you watched the sunrise together. Those are specific instances where late night partying pays off in wonderful ways. Generally speaking, however, the cutoff point where a fun party atmosphere takes a clear turn for the dark side is two thirty in the morning.

To experience this first hand, arrive extremely late for a party. Show up at a quarter to two in the morning, and everyone will be in high spirits. It will be too late for you to catch up with your friends, so don’t even bother trying to start drinking. You’ll just end up feeling gross. Observe, though. You’ll notice people dancing, talking, cracking beers and making jokes with each other. You’ll occasionally see people pairing off and exchanging numbers, and in some extreme cases, making out. WHOA! Pretty perfect right? A real classic house party scenario, right? Great, now check your watch.

It’s Two Twenty Nine AM.

Brace for impact.

Everyone in a committed relationship has since gone home. Look around. It’s like clockwork. Unless they’ve been tasked with driving some single friends home, there’s no reason for a happy couple to remain at a party any later than 2:30. Unless they’re looking for a third for the night, in which case you’re probably not at the same party as me.

The beer that was flowing like wine moments earlier is now gone. The 30 pack that once held full cans is now on your buddy’s head, and he’s using it as a helmet to run into a wall. The keg is tapped, and now the saddest man at the party will be left to pump it forever, spewing beer vapor farts into his empty red cup. The only choice now is to slug the $8 handle of cheap gin, and there are no mixers in site. A nice tall glass of rubbing alcohol awaits you on the other side of 2:30.

The couple that were exchanging numbers and giggling in the corner just transitioned from sloppy make out session to sloppy sangria puke off the roof. Look out below, it’s a double rainbow!*

The dudes who were slapping each other on the back and making up songs are now beating the shit out of each other. Something someone said about someone’s girlfriend. I don’t have the full story. Something about tits was mentioned, I believe.

The funny guy pouring everyone shots from his own bottle of tequila is alone, sweaty, bleary eyed, and in serious trouble for grabbing a girl’s butt. But he doesn’t leave, he just slinks into the shadows, waiting to see if anyone will pass out before him. If so, watch your back!

Before you get defensive and draw from your bag of amazing party specifics, let the record show that this all comes well researched. If you remain a staunch non believer, please know that this piece is just as much fact as it is opinion. If you STILL think that I’m 100% wrong, please invite me to your next party. And all subsequent parties. This includes gatherings, get-togethers, and shindigs. Thanks in advance.

*All the way across the sidewalk

Self Absorption at Discount Prices.

Party Expose: Nothing Good Happens After 2:30 AM