My Other Life As A Totally Sick Pick Up Artist

9th July 2012

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My Other Life As A Totally Sick Pick Up Artist

You see, it was about a year ago. My friends Skeeter and Tall Vin (*the joke is that he’s short lol) and I were out for a night on the Sunset Strip, as usual. It was nickel rubbing alcohol shot night at the Rainbow Room, and after an hour or 2 of playing quarters with the former touring bassist of RATT (reunion tour, ‘95-‘96), we headed over to Saddle Ranch to see what there was to see, if you catch my drift. If you don’t, we were going to see if there were girls there who had self esteem low enough to have intercourse with us.

The Ranch was BANGIN’ and I was dressed for success: platform boots, red leather pants, a diamond studded quail feather Indian headdress, and a Kevlar vest with “BITCH” written across it in elbow macaroni. See, that’s called “Peacocking” and it helps let ladies know that you’re a cut above the rest. If they LITERALLY can’t take their eyes off of you (halogen headlamps work wonders, BTW), your chances of getting laid increase tenfold.

I chatted up a bottle blond from Temecula and did a classic card trick for her. NOTE: if you can display a skill like magic for a girl she will get all weak in the knees because magic is impressive and girls don’t know how to make doves disappear/reappear etc. So she started to lose interest but then I remembered my training and said “wow, you look like a real dumb idiot, maybe you should fuck me.” She was hesitant but then I said, “Oh I was talking to your friend, you’re too ugly to fuck.” That sealed the deal, and it was off to the ol’ bonezone.

This true story brought to you by The Game, Neil Strauss, VH1, guyliner, and the book 200 Easy Card Tricks To Show To Dumb Assholes.

Tagged: fake things writing jokes!