I am a writer living in LA. I perform at the UCB.
My friend and I created DEALBREAKER and we wrote a book about it. I make videos too. If that's not enough, I also
Tweet.
DEHorwitz at gmail . com
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My Friend Bret Breaks Down (Smirnoff) Icing
BRET: do you know about this new thing: “Bros icing bros?”
DAVE: Something about Smirnoff Ice?
BRET: Yeah, so you know of this?
DAVE: Eh, barely. what is it? Your friends buy you a Smirnoff Ice?
BRET: Not really: You’re at a bar and meathead #1 buys meathead #2 a smirnov ice. Meathead #2 must get on one knee and pound the entire smirnov ice. so I witnessed this in person this weekend at the bar and I had an idea: I submit that this is the first piece of meathead culture that girls actually thought was lame instantly. it didn’t have any grace period where it was quirky, ironic or cool, it just went directly to lame, and I have proof: immediately after I saw this, I sauntered up to these two girls at the bar and bought myself a drink. Naturally, the girls were talking about the icing, not fully aware of what had occured, but certainly disgusted. So I explained to them what happened, why it happend and that, yes, sadly it is a legit thing. the girls, both pretty attractive, basically instantly said, “Wow, that’s the most meathead thing i’ve ever heard,” and I proceeded to mock meatheads in general, while easing my way into their good graces all night… MEANWHILE, the bros who had done the icing attempted to talk to girls all night with no success at all. IPSO FACTO: a move designed likely in a meathead laboratory meant to gain the instant attention of chicks has totally backfired on the meathead population, and my friends and I are here to swoop in on this latest, most offensive phenomenon.
DAVE: My friend, I believe you’ve just become the world’s first and foremost Anthropologist with a Concentration In Meathead Studies.
BRET: yeah, I’ve also got a doctorate in collar popping.
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My Friend Bret & I Discuss Relationships That End Because Of Distance
BRET: So, she moved back to NY yesterday.
ME: Boooooo!
BRET: We were absolutely en route to happy relationship town. It was really quick.
ME: I’m sorry, that must be hard.
BRET: I mean, what can ya do, she is going to grad school in August at Wash U in St. Louis.
ME: Oh that’s when I would have said “if you stay in Boston, I’ll Wash U, if you know what I’m sayin’…” and then raised my eyebrows several hundred times.
BRET: Yeah, I basically did shit like that all the time.
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My Friend Bret On Giving Up On His Dreams
- BRET: If I was where I am now and thought I sucked at all the things I do...wow, I don't know, I think I would walk down to the nearest commercial industrial park, pick an address, ask for a job application, and call it a life.
- DAVE: Get married to a women you never loved.
- BRET: Wow, I didn't even plan for that but yeah probably. Probably meet her at the office, where I would make jokes about coffee that people would only laugh at to be polite.
- DAVE: HAHAHA
- BRET: in their defense, the jokes would not be funny.
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My Friend Bret and I Compare LA girls to Boston Girls
- ME: She said, "I had my first and last lesbian experience last week."
- ME: Then she walked away.
- BRET: Nice, that's awesome.
- ME: It is?
- BRET: Well, what do you think, girls just say stuff like that here in Boston?
- BRET: No, they say, "here we go Bruins, here we go *clap, clap*"
- ME: Sure they say it, but they say it with a thick Boston accent and a mouth full of Fenway Frank.
- BRET: It's so sadly true.
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Bret reminds me what New England is like.
- BRET: You remember life in New England I presume? where 1 out of 4 people are sick no matter where you are in the winter.
- ME: I guess I don't remember it being so much like depression era London.
- BRET: Well the streets aren't flowing with feces, today at least.
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My friend Bret, with more thoughts on break ups.
BRET: …it’s just weird to break up with a person. one minute you’re telling her all about your inner most thoughts, the next you don’t know if she slobbed 10 knobs on the way to work.
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My best friend from high school is recently single, ladies...
- DAVE: If you love something, set it free. That is from Facebook profiles.
- BRET: Yeah well, I didn't love her and now she is free, so, there's that.
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I expected to hear Miles Davis mixed with Coltrane mixed with Peter Gabriel or something. It was like kids singing about fucking to smooth weird synths.
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