My name is Dave Horwitz.
I am a writer living in LA. I perform at the UCB.
My friend and I created DEALBREAKER and we wrote a book about it. I make videos too. If that's not enough, I also
Tweet.

DEHorwitz at gmail . com

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5th February 2012

Chat with 23 notes

ONE ACT PLAY: The Red Light

  • One man, of African American descent/persuasion, leans out the passenger's side window of his friend's vehicle and calls to me as I walk down the street with two friends.
  • MAN: Hey, man why you got an afro if you ain't a negro?
  • ME: (Laughing) Awww, come on man!
  • MAN: What you doing with an afro, son? You ain't no negro!
  • ME: (Yelling) Awww, come on man!
  • MAN: But you're not a negro! You're not supposed to have that afro!
  • ME: (Screaming exasperatedly) AWWW COME ON, MAN!!!!

Tagged: Life is a movie!!!!!!lifeOne act play

19th January 2012

Text with 56 notes

Take A Bow

I can’t believe I almost forgot this, but when my last serious girlfriend and I broke up, like finally FINALLY broke up, I ended the conversation by bowing to her. I don’t even remember why or how, I just remember that I did it. I think it was out of a lack of any other words. We had literally exhausted all of the words, and I just needed to bring it to some kind of end that didn’t involve any prolonged contact (everyone knows the old 5 minute sad hug that turns into a sad kiss, right? That one’s a killer). 

I wish I could remember if I was laughing when I did it. I think I probably didn’t laugh until I came up from the bow to face her again, if at all. It’s funny to think of how exasperated I must have been to punctuate what was, up to that point, one of the saddest moments in my entire life, with a stupid joke for solely my entertainment. 

If that sounds like an immature way to end a relationship, I submit that it is significantly MORE mature than sitting in a hatchback for four hours finding different ways to say the same three things over and over and over. Besides, bowing is a sign of respect in many cultures, and a sign of disrespect in almost none.

Although, were I wearing a cap when it happened, I probably would have tipped it instead.

Tagged: Life is a movie!!!!!!

28th December 2011

Text with 46 notes

Conversation Topics With Tasha From The Unemployment Office

It is impossible to get through to the unemployment office, so when you do get an operator, you know it’s special. I called in at 8:27, three minutes before they opened, and Tasha answered. At one point we got disconnected and she even called me back! That is UNHEARD OF! We talked for 45 minutes, 15 of which were spent reopening my old claim. The rest of the time we talked about:

  • How great The Help was and how I need to see it immediately. 
  • Her previous jobs in the “industry” working on Divorce Court and Entertainment Tonight.
  • How she doesn’t take crap from anyone.
  • A bitch at her office who threw a folder down on her desk.
  • Her Native American/African American mix and how she can “pass” for anything depending on what wig she has on.
  • How tall she is with and without heels.
  • The fact that she looks like Vanessa WIlliams. 
  • Seriously, she’s seen The Help three times and even her sixteen year old nieces like it and all they want to do is skateboard, so you know it must be good and seriously if it doesn’t win all the Oscars she’s going to freak out on someone.

Tagged: Life is a movie!!!!!!

26th November 2011

Text with 58 notes

I just moved my couch down 4 flights of stairs with a tiny girl, a guy named steve with a busted thumb, and his french bulldog Ferdinand.

So, basically, I lived the first 10 minutes of a Wes Anderson movie in real life.

Tagged: Life is a movie!!!!!!