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I love Iron Man. I love Robert Downey Jr. When I went to see Iron Man II a few years ago at a Thursday Midnight screening at the Arclight in Hollywood, Jon Favreau and RDJ were THERE and they surprised the audience with an intro. I leapt to my feet and gave an almost involuntary standing ovation. I also vaguely remember yelling “you’re our greatest living actor!” So, I’m on board for Iron Man.
The third movie was the first time I felt like I was either too old for superhero movies, or that this particular one was spectacularly lazy and/or manipulative. Either way, Irom Man III didn’t do it for me. And that’s okayI I’m an adult! I don’t have to see every blockbuster movie (anymore). It wasn’t a total loss. There were some fun moments, some dumb moments, and some REALLY tacked on Christmas moments. It was not unwatchable. Adam Pally has a really fun cameo in it toward the middle that made my UCB heart swell three times it’s size. My biggest takeaway though, was a moment toward the end. If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t read any further. It will spoil the ending and it won’t make any sense to you. There. Warning over!
At the end, the person to actually defeat Cillian whatever his fucking name is (Guy Pearce, looking weirdly fake tan perfect like a guy with his own Bravo show about a dog manicurist or something) is Pepper Potts. She is in the second or third stage of some treatment to become a super soldier trophy wife with lava running through her ridiculously toned body (we know this because she is in a sports bra for the last 45 minutes of the movie because why should a woman be allowed all of her clothes in a movie like this?). Anyway, she saves the day and it’s sort of cool. Then she and Tony Stark embrace and it’s kind of a cool moment because now she’s a superhero too! Are they going to be a team and fight evil together? Nope, Tony basically says, “thanks for saving my life, now let’s get those superpowers out of you ASAP!” So, her screen time as a hero is basically one minute long, and then she gets to go right back to running her boyfriend’s company while he goes out and does cool shit with his overly manicured facial hair. It bummed me out almost as much as not seeing Sam Rockwell dance in this one. I definitely missed that.
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QT is on a real kick with movies about increasingly sympathetic protagonists seeking revenge on increasingly detestable villains.
Kill Bill (2003)- Uma Thurman goes after everyone who left her for dead.
Death Proof (2006)- Cool babes go after a lunatic who likes to kill cool babes.
Inglorious Basterds (2010)- Tough jews go after the Nazis.
Django Unchained (2012)- A slave goes after slave owners.
Untitled 2014 Project (2014)- Super cute beagle puppies go after people who like to drown puppies.
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From the film’s wiki page:
“When the film was first released, several Australian animal rights organizations raised allegations of animal cruelty during filming and called for a boycott. The Sunday Mail reported at the time that Animal Liberation Queensland founder Jacqui Kent alleged the killing of more than 20 kittens during production and added that she was disturbed by reports from Europe which alleged other animals had been injured, as in one case where a producer allegedly had broken a cat’s paw to make it appear unsteady on its feet. Other scenes that were the source of controversy were the scene of a kitten flying off of a cliff and a scene of a pug fighting a bear. Kent said her organization had a number of complaints from people who had seen the film and were concerned that it could not have been made without cruelty. The Tasmanian and Victorian branches of the RSPCA also alleged abuses.”
1980s film productions would do ANYTHING to get a shot.
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This scene from All The Real Girls will rip you in half, and then those halves will be ripped in half, and so on until you look like person confetti.
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“Thanks for meeting me in this TCBY, guys. I think you’re really gonna like this. Okay, so this one picks up where BS1 left off: Hoops and Jordy are still on academic probation, and Dean Wilton still wants them dead for the sick double team Eiffel Tower (w/hi-five finish) they pulled with his daughter, Betsy, who left for Amsterdam and is now running a Donkey Show in the Red Light District with resident nerd, Poondexter (note the pun), who, when we last saw him, had a huge dong. Gerald’s still working at Lobster Pete’s down by the Marina after he got expelled for putting ex-lax in the creme brûlée at the alumni dinner. Marla married Toast, the crusty punk who hung out by the campus bookstore and revealed himself to be a secret genius. Sammo became a teacher’s assistant but quit because he couldn’t get a separate parking space for his bong. The Dickheads are still the hottest band at school, but the old men who run the events board will stop at nothing to prevent them from playing the Spring Fling. Unless, of course, they were somehow disgraced and forced to resign because of a certain Polaroid. And Lil’ Ricky? He died. He died in a fire.”
-Me, with a time machine and a legal pad, in 1987
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(I haven’t seen it, but these are safe guesses)
FIANCEE: “I can’t marry a man with a naked lady tattooed on his BUTT!” SAMBERG: “I don’t have a (*looks in mirror*) AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
SANDLER: “Aw, geez, son. It’s almost like you’re MY dad, and I’M your… boy?”
SANDLER: “Happy bachelor party, kiddo. I hope you like pizza, WITH STRIPPERS!”
SANDLER: “I had sex with an old lady last night, and it was freakin’ OSSSSSSSSUM!”
SAMBERG: “Dad! You, you, you FUCKED my wedding cake???”
MINISTER: “Why yes, I am an ordained minister, in the church of… SATAN!” OTHERS: “Whoa, Alice Cooper!”
SANDLER: “You know, you’re gonna be a dad someday.” SAMBERG: “So are you.” SANDLER: “HEY!!!! SHABBIDY DOOOOOO!”
SOMEONE: “YOLO.”
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What if, at the premiere of the last Twilight movie, the whole cast is ecstatic, eyes wide with celebration, because they never have to make another shitty, incomprehensible mess of a young adult snooze-fest ever again, and Kristen Stewart is already dreaming of the important indie movies she’s going to make where she plays a graffiti artist in the 80s or a stripper junkie in the 70s or a meth addled prostitute in the mid 90s (imagine the hair!) or something like that, and just as they are about to step onto the red carpet and half smile petulantly for screaming twelve year olds for the last time, Stephanie Meyer leaps forward and shows them what she’s been working on for the last year: the manuscript for a new, five part sequel series to Twilight, which has ALREADY been bought by Lionsgate to be made into films for the next five years.
How quickly would it take the entire cast to kill themselves, do you think? Immediately, or later that night, when reality really sets in?
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