I am a writer living in LA. I perform at the UCB.
My friend and I created DEALBREAKER and we wrote a book about it. I make videos too. Oh, and I
Tweet. And if that wasn't enough, I'm on Vyou.
DEHorwitz@gmail.com
Theme by nostrich.
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One Act Play: Nympho
MAN 1: Dude, how are things going with that girl?
MAN 2: DUDE, she’s a total nympho!
MAN 1: DUDE! THAT’S SICK!!!
MAN 2: No, I mean she’s literally a nymphomaniac.
MAN 1: I KNOW DUDE! GET SOME, BRO!
Man 1 goes for a high five, Man 2 does not reciprocate.
Man 2: No, man. She’s a clinically diagnosed Nymphomaniac. Her last marriage fell apart because of it. She compulsively masturbates 19 times a day. She goes to sex addiction meetings multiple times a week. She refuses to be monogamous because she physically isn’t capable of it. It’s making things really difficult for us. I don’t know If we’re going to make it.
(LONG BEAT)
MAN 1: So… what you’re saying is, the sex is INSANE????
MAN 2: YEAH BRO!!!!!!!
They high five forever.
The End
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One Act Play: Two Men
MAN 1: Hey, who’s that cute girl I always see you with?
MAN 2: My wife?
MAN 1: Yeah… what’s her story?
MAN 2: Her story? Well, she’s a lawyer. And she’s married to me?
MAN 1: Cool, cool. And how does that work? Is that like, an all the time thing, or half the time, or…?
MAN 2: It’s all the time.
MAN 1: Holidays too?
MAN 2: Yup.
MAN 1: Right, gotcha. Leap days?
MAN 2: DUDE.
MAN 1: OKAY, I get it. You’re REALLY uptight. Good to know. Geez.
Fin.
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Paul McCartney Vs. Time
- TIME: Paul, you are old.
- PAUL: No, I'm not!
- TIME: Seriously, you have been alive for a really long time. Just be old, it's okay.
- PAUL: NO! I'm awesome! Sometimes I look like a lady but I still have semi-convincingly dark hair and I can sing! And young women will have sex with me because I have 9 billion dollars.
- TIME: Okay, fine, just don't run around or anything, because you're really old.
- PAUL: Nope! Running anyway! And jumping!
- TIME: Oh, did you make a deal with the devil?
- PAUL: Bitch, I AM the devil! Live and let die my ass! I'm never gonna die!
- Paul disappears in a cloud and turns into a pile of million dollar bills.
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ONE ACT PLAY: The Red Light
- One man, of African American descent/persuasion, leans out the passenger's side window of his friend's vehicle and calls to me as I walk down the street with two friends.
- MAN: Hey, man why you got an afro if you ain't a negro?
- ME: (Laughing) Awww, come on man!
- MAN: What you doing with an afro, son? You ain't no negro!
- ME: (Yelling) Awww, come on man!
- MAN: But you're not a negro! You're not supposed to have that afro!
- ME: (Screaming exasperatedly) AWWW COME ON, MAN!!!!
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The World Series Of Conversational Subtlety
ANNOUNCER: Hello sports fans, we’re here with five time WSOCS Champion Beth Samuels, who has been EFFORTLESSLY telling men at bars she has a boyfriend without making it seem like an overt brush off! Beth, tell us, how DO you do it?
BETH: Well, first of all thank you. My technique is simple. I wait for the guy to mention an activity that my boyfriend and I participate in as well. For example, watching “The Wire” on DVD, hiking, or seeking out quality Vietnamese food—
ANNOUNCER: Seems like a standard approach—
BETH: Let me finish! I first mention that I ALSO participate in that activity, and start talking about my involvement with it, and only after the conversation is off to a good start about our shared enthusiasm for said activity, will i drop in a b-bomb.
ANNOUNCER: B-bomb?
BETH: That’s what I call slipping in the word ‘boyfriend’. For example: “I’m halfway through season 4. My boyfriend finished it before me, so I’ve gotta make sure he doesn’t spoil anything for me. What season are you on?”
ANNOUNCER: Wow. Flawless execution as always. Thank you so much for speaking to me today, Beth.
BETH: You’re welcome! My boyfriend also likes speaking.
Fin.
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Scary Man and Normal Guy: A One Act Play
- SCARY MAN: So yeah, I spend most of my time at Baby Meat Locker.
- NORMAL GUY: I'm sorry, don't you mean Lady Foot Locker?
- SCARY MAN: No, but I've got one of those, too.
- Fin.
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Two Pretty Girls - A One Act Play
A man is talking to two pretty girls.
MAN: Hey, how do you two know each other?
GIRL 1: From being pretty!
GIRL 2: Besties!
The girls hug.
The end.
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CLUB OWNER: DJ Tuesday! I got a regular weekly slot for you in my club!
DJ: Perfect! So, I’ll see you on Tuesday?
CLUB OWNER: Um… no. Tuesday is $4 Patron night. Your night is Thursday.
DJ: But, my name is DJ Tuesday.
CLUB OWNER: And my name is Devin, WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING POINT?
Fin
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One Act Play: The Big Date
HER: What’s that cologne you’re wearing? It has such a distinct smell.
HIM: Why, that’s not cologne at all, that’s the stink of desperation!
HER: Well, it suits you.
HIM: Well, thank you.
HER: You’re welcome. Now go home.
HIM: Okay.
(He doesn’t leave)
(They sit in silence for 45 minutes)
(Lights slowly fade)
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One Act Play: Meeting With the Boss
Int. Corner Office - Afternoon.
The boss sits in a gigantic leather chair and smokes a cigar. Jenkins sits in front of him, nervous. BOSS: Okay, Jenkins. Whaddaya got? Wow me! This company needs a kick in the ass, and your foot is the one to do it! Jenkins stands up and unveils an easel with a pad of paper on it. On the pad is the word STEAK. BOSS: Steak, Jenkins? He clears his throat. JENKINS: Yes, sir. This company is called Steaks Unlimited, yet we don’t actually sell steak. We don’t really sell anything, come to think of it. We buy ad space that you’ve been using for short clips of you staring at a horse, but they’re not advertising anything. We own a lot of warehouses that are filled with old telephone books, but we don’t sell the telephone books, you just like to collect them..and, well, forgive me if I’m out of line, but I think that’s not the right way to run a steak company. SIlence. No one has ever talked to the Boss this way! The Boss does a slow clap. BOSS: I like the way you think, Jenkins. From now on, you’ll be staring at the horse. Blackout.
