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Chat with 30 notes
Text with 68 notes
Two dudes eat cheeseburgers. Dude One looks at his cell phone and shakes his head.
DUDE ONE: Fuck, dude.
DUDE TWO: She didn’t respond, huh?
DUDE ONE: Naw, but whatever, she’s fuckin’ crazy anyway. That psycho bitch doesn’t know what she’s missing.
DUDE TWO: What’s she missing? Verbal abuse and misplaced hostility?
DUDE ONE: HELL YEAH, BRO!
Dude One makes a vagina out of french fries and cries into it.
fin
Text with 13 notes
The boss flips over a whiteboard with the word “Piles” written on it.
BOSS: The future… is piles! People like piles! Big old piles. That’s what they want in a food. Sometimes they like bread, so let’s get some bread and then make a pile in the middle. You know, like, a big greasy burger, with some cheese piled in there and then like… um… turkey? like shaved smoked turkey? Is that weird? and then we’ll slop up some onions and some BBQ sauce? You know, get that pile real sloppy, right? And then um, cheese sauce? Like an Alfredo? or a wiz? Hollandaise? Is that crazy? That’s more cream based but you get the idea. And then um… um… a sloppy old messy glop of pureed tomatoes. Reeeeal salty tomatoes. And then can we do like, um… don’t interrupt me I got this. Carne asada? Am I saying that right, Jose? Is that racist of me to only ask you? Sorry. Everyone, am I pronouncing— OOH FUCK hot dogs! Let’s slice up three hotdogs down the middle and lay them on the top there and then some runny old sauerkraut and um… pickles and fuckin’ ketchup and mustard and we’ll shoot it with a mayo gun. And we’ll call it: The Fat Fuckin’ Carl!
EVERYONE: YES!!!!!!!!!!
BOSS: And then we’ll fuck it!
EVERYONE: Huh?
BOSS: You know, or just, sell it to people so they can eat it…
He backs away slowly towards the window and jumps out, to his death.
end.
Text with 15 notes
INT. DINER - NIGHT
6 hot teens are trapped in a diner, hiding from zombies.
A lady zombie starts eating someone’s brain. The teens try really hard not to be noticed.
LONG PAUSE, THEN
BROCK (TO THE OTHERS): Hey. Hey guys… I’ll have what she’s having.
The others hit him and try to get him to quiet down.
BROCK: Get it? When Harry Met Sally? With Meg Ryan? “I’ll have what she’s having!”
ALICE (WHISPERING): SHHHHHH.They’ll hear you!
BROCK: But do you get it? Because she’s eating brains and we’re in a diner and I said-
A zombie kills him and eats his brain.
Beat.
ALICE: OHHHH, LIKE THE MOVIE-
A zombie kills her too.
the end
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MAN 1: Dude, how are things going with that girl?
MAN 2: DUDE, she’s a total nympho!
MAN 1: DUDE! THAT’S SICK!!!
MAN 2: No, I mean she’s literally a nymphomaniac.
MAN 1: I KNOW DUDE! GET SOME, BRO!
Man 1 goes for a high five, Man 2 does not reciprocate.
Man 2: No, man. She’s a clinically diagnosed Nymphomaniac. Her last marriage fell apart because of it. She compulsively masturbates 19 times a day. She goes to sex addiction meetings multiple times a week. She refuses to be monogamous because she physically isn’t capable of it. It’s making things really difficult for us. I don’t know If we’re going to make it.
(LONG BEAT)
MAN 1: So… what you’re saying is, the sex is INSANE????
MAN 2: YEAH BRO!!!!!!!
They high five forever.
The End
Text with 14 notes
MAN 1: Hey, who’s that cute girl I always see you with?
MAN 2: My wife?
MAN 1: Yeah… what’s her story?
MAN 2: Her story? Well, she’s a lawyer. And she’s married to me?
MAN 1: Cool, cool. And how does that work? Is that like, an all the time thing, or half the time, or…?
MAN 2: It’s all the time.
MAN 1: Holidays too?
MAN 2: Yup.
MAN 1: Right, gotcha. Leap days?
MAN 2: DUDE.
MAN 1: OKAY, I get it. You’re REALLY uptight. Good to know. Geez.
Fin.
Chat with 65 notes
Chat with 23 notes
Text with 22 notes
ANNOUNCER: Hello sports fans, we’re here with five time WSOCS Champion Beth Samuels, who has been EFFORTLESSLY telling men at bars she has a boyfriend without making it seem like an overt brush off! Beth, tell us, how DO you do it?
BETH: Well, first of all thank you. My technique is simple. I wait for the guy to mention an activity that my boyfriend and I participate in as well. For example, watching “The Wire” on DVD, hiking, or seeking out quality Vietnamese food—
ANNOUNCER: Seems like a standard approach—
BETH: Let me finish! I first mention that I ALSO participate in that activity, and start talking about my involvement with it, and only after the conversation is off to a good start about our shared enthusiasm for said activity, will i drop in a b-bomb.
ANNOUNCER: B-bomb?
BETH: That’s what I call slipping in the word ‘boyfriend’. For example: “I’m halfway through season 4. My boyfriend finished it before me, so I’ve gotta make sure he doesn’t spoil anything for me. What season are you on?”
ANNOUNCER: Wow. Flawless execution as always. Thank you so much for speaking to me today, Beth.
BETH: You’re welcome! My boyfriend also likes speaking.
Fin.
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