8th May 2012
Text with 48 notes
Ladies, you gotta
Think like a man,
Act like a lady,
Sleep like a baby,
Eat like a bird,
Drink like a fish,
Fuck like a hooker,
Curse like a sailor,
Rock like a hurricane,
Drive like a robot,
Kill like a soldier,
Walk like a crab,
Fight like an inmate,
Die like a cat (9 times),
Have an exoskeleton like a roach,
Be mealy like an old pear,
Contain beans, rice, cheese and meat like a flour tortilla,
And also have a penis like a man.
TRUST ME LADIES!
Tagged: advice for ladieslistomania
20th April 2012
Text with 50 notes
BROTHERS! SISTERS!!! FRIENDS!! Before you put anything in the air today, make sure everyone around you is cool. Is there someone there who you’ve never met before? Maybe someone you’ve known for a lot less time than everyone else? Well… they could be a NARC! An undercover narcotics officer! Here are some dead giveaways:
- The tags are still on their cargo pants and generic t-shirt with a skateboard on it.
- They keep whispering into the flower on their lapel.
- They have a mustache (applies to 7th-11th graders especially).
- They drive a Crown Victoria that they “inherited from their Gam-Gam.”
- They say, “pass me Exhibit A” referring to the joint that’s going around.
- They ask, “Is anyone else experiencing a sense of euphoria from the illegal substance we’ve all ingested?”
- They transferred to your school after moving from Anytown, USA.
- They want to know if you want to “go to a rock concert at the local music hall.”
- They arrest you for possession of marijuana.
Tagged: listomania420
16th March 2012
Text with 59 notes
- “You up?”
- “I could come over if you’re not too tired…”
- “You’re probably tired I bet.”
- “Are you tired?”
- “Wayne’s World is on TBS. Thinking of you.”
- “I have weed.”
- “I thought you were a night owl.”
- “You must really be sleeping.”
- “If you get this, I’ll probably be up for a few more hours, just hanging.”
- “Sex?”
Tagged: listomania
9th March 2012
Text with 57 notes
- Gray Cornrows
- Pizza For None
- Corduroy Nightgowns
- Shotgun Funerals
- Egg Yellow Omelettes
- Singles Skate
- Ocarina Practice
- Non Alcoholic Whisky
- Waist Length Braided Ponytails
- Blockbuster Video
Tagged: listomania
2nd March 2012
Text with 164 notes
Here are some surefire ways to get 10k notes (at least). Guaranteed.
- A screencap of a 1990s cartoon character doing a “hipster” thing.
- A quote from Great Expectations superimposed on a still from Degrassi.
- A picture of an old woman with Skrillex glasses/haircut.
- A desaturated image of a wheat field with the word “Breathe” at the bottom.
- An animated gif of the cast of New Girl dancing next to one of the Peanuts gang.
- A picture of a topless girl holding a piece of bacon.
- A Bridesmaids poster in the style of a Star Wars Poster.
- A video of any 5 seconds from any episode of Parks and Rec.
- A picture of Donald Glover holding a mic in one hand and a kitten in the other.
- An interview with someone who has a Nicolas Cage tattoo.
Tagged: listomania
16th February 2012
Text with 46 notes
- Sandwich making.
- Napping.
- Getting hangovers.
- Guessing what time it is (usually within 4 minutes).
- Doing accurate impressions of people who aren’t famous.
- Cutting myself shaving.
- Befriending other people’s pets.
- Brewing and icing large quantities of tea.
- All-day procrastination followed by 1.5 hours of extreme productivity.
- Perfectly (half) ironing a button down shirt.
- Obsessive vacuuming.
- Referencing Liam Neeson movies.
Tagged: listomania
13th February 2012
Text with 33 notes
- Candy is SO ??-2011. This year, get your V-tine a glob of hummus that you can both (Ghost-pottery style) form it into the shape of a heart.
- February 14th is the perfect time to reveal that less-than-normal fetish of yours. If it’s REALLY elaborate, you can even go to the grocery/car repair store to gather the “ingredients” (car battery, anti-freeze, kale). It’ll be like a scavenger hunt!
- For Guys: Don’t watch a Ryan Gosling movie with your significant other on V-Day unless you ARE Ryan Gosling. It makes their expectations TOTALLY unreasonable. Otherwise, you might be asked to wear a paper bag to bed or draw Sharpie abs.
- Cooking for a loved one is a great way to anyone’s heart. That’s why if you’re going to stay in, it’s important to properly dispose of all fast food wrappers in a safe location before serving (under a mattress usually works), and you can’t forget to scrape the “Oreo” logo off the cookies before you put them on a baking sheet in the oven.
- Compliments are always nice, so if you’re dating someone less worthy of praise* out of desperation, it’s good to give generic compliments so you don’t sound inauthentic. For example, “You’ve got a really good way about you,” “I like what you’re doing with this whole thing,” and ”I am fine with how everything is.”
Good luck, you red hot lovers. Enjoy Valentine’s Day! I hope you all get crazy laid.
*A super gross uggo.
Tagged: tipslistomania
21st January 2012
Text with 139 notes
Seriously? That’s his REAL NAME? Or was that name created for him in a Fancy European Name Aggregator? Here are some alternatives he could have chosen:
- Kensington Featherby
- Butterworth Dumbledore
- Engelbert Bumbershoot
- Aldous Goodweather
- Brimstone Copernicus
- Lazerous Rufflemore
- Busker McCuskerton
- Winston Fillagry
- Cadbury St. Mumbleton
- Florentine Quilloughby
Tagged: listomania
1st January 2012
Text with 32 notes
These are just small enough to work…
1. At no point will I audibly discuss any fitness/health goals, so I don’t have to feel bad for constantly breaking them.
2. No more smiling and laughing when I don’t hear what someone says in a crowded/loud setting. I vow to ask them to repeat themselves as many times as is necessary.
3. In compliance with my mom’s life long advice to me, I will buy 2 pairs of sneakers and alternate between them so neither gets warn out first. Just to see what it feels like.
4. Fewer hoodies! More sweaters!
5. Minimize annoyances. Maximize happiness!
6. Buy/use a cast iron skillet.
Tagged: listomania
18th December 2011
Text with 16 notes
My friends and I are on an email chain where we share our favorite music from the past year. Here are mine, in no particular order.
Albums
- Das Racist - Relax
- Bon Iver - Bon Iver
- Cults - Cults
- Pangea - Living Dummy
- Yacht - Shangri-La
- Radiohead - The King Of Limbs
- The Dodos - No Color
- Man Man - Life Fantastic
- Lakutis - I’m In The Forest EP
- The Vaccines - What Did You Expect From The Vaccines
Songs (click title to listen)
Tagged: listomania
