20th February 2013
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- confirming my appointment w/dat ass.
- die hard 5 was lame. bj?
- let’s make 1 sex.
- got half a philly cheese in my glovebox. trade 4 hand stuff?
- Netflix is down.
26th December 2012
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QT is on a real kick with movies about increasingly sympathetic protagonists seeking revenge on increasingly detestable villains.
Kill Bill (2003)- Uma Thurman goes after everyone who left her for dead.
Death Proof (2006)- Cool babes go after a lunatic who likes to kill cool babes.
Inglorious Basterds (2010)- Tough jews go after the Nazis.
Django Unchained (2012)- A slave goes after slave owners.
Untitled 2014 Project (2014)- Super cute beagle puppies go after people who like to drown puppies.
18th December 2012
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- “BREAKING BAD NOOOOO!”
- “1500 impassioned words about the latest current event.”
- “Here’s how you can donate to this thing but mostly here’s how you can find out that I donated to it before you did.”
- “This celebrity is terrible.” / “You are all terrible for caring about this celebrity.”
- “Check out this Instagram I NEEDED to post on every social media platform.”
- “HOMELAND NOOOOOOOOO!”
- “Facebook you have no right to any of the material on this page even though there is nothing legally binding about this thing I copy and pasted from my cousin.”
- “WALKING DEAD NOOOOOO!”
- “Sub-Jay Leno Tickle Me Elmo/Molestation Joke.”
- “Wow that’s it, I’m quitting Instagram in January (but I will have made my peace with it by then and will continue to post a million pictures a day).”
28th November 2012
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Note: you can only use these if you’re not funny
- Yolo Ono (or Yoko Yolo)
- Don Qui-hot Tub (See Also: Don Qui-hard Drive)
- Johnny Appletini
- Fuck Town
- Beth And The Shitheads (*Minus Beth)
- Curry On My Wayward Sub
- The Dodgeball Team
- Ferris WHEELers Day Off
- I Can Has IMPROV
- Kitten Colander
- This Is Scripted… (*Not*)
- Dunston Checks OUT?
- Pirate Ninja Buffet (*this one is so bad that my fingers started bleeding typing it)
- Face Down Ass Up That’s The Way We Like To Perform Longform Improv
- The Improv Group That The Person You’re Dating Is in So You Feel Obligated To Go See Them And You Can’t Really Tell If She/He Is Funny But They Did A Really Cringe Inducing Midwestern Mom Character In A Really Long Scene And No One Laughed And People Were Looking At You Because They Saw You Making Out Before The Show And Now You’re Paranoid That They Think Less Of You But Maybe It Doesn’t Matter If They’re Funny Because Nobody’s Perfect And You Both Like Tapas
20th November 2012
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It’s my last night in New York, and I really lived it up here. No, I didn’t go to Guy Fieri’s restaurant or visit the Empire State Building, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have some really authentic NYC experiences:
- Quickly ate a piece of pizza in a doorway off of a paper plate (just like the opening credits of Louie!)
- Got tossed out of a cab with 3 other people because the driver refused to go to Greenpoint.
- Bought insoles for my shoes because my feet hurt from walking, tried and failed to open them in a Chase bank ATM, went to a bar and bought a beer just so I could put them on in their restroom.
- Met a friend in the park with the 2 year old girl she nannies for, got mistaken for her parents by another mom, did not correct her.
- Did some hurricane relief volunteering and was lectured on the difference between Community Aid and charity by an Occupy Wall St. guy who looked like he stepped out of an episode of Daria and suddenly became three dimensional.
- Went to a comedy show where people in the audience booed loudly when LA was mentioned.
- Saw the word “love” written in ketchup on a cheeseburger in a window of a shitty restaurant (awwww).
- Heard “Empire State of Mind” playing in a CVS.
16th September 2012
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- Drew Barrymore’s “Cellar Door” speech from Donnie Darko.
- The Offspring’s “Cruising California” video (and song).
- Untagging or deleting an entire failed relationship’s worth of Facebook pictures.
- Companies that sell t-shirts for internet memes that won’t be relevant the second after you buy them.
- 95% of all text messages.
- The use of “Bad To The Bone,” “I Feel Good,” and now “How You Like Me Now” in movie trailers.
- Getting busted looking at an attractive person in the car next to you at a red light.
- Single people who transparently wander around house parties until 4:30 AM.
- This late 90s commercial for McCain Elio’s Pizza Pockets.
- Old white men.
16th June 2012
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(I haven’t seen it, but these are safe guesses)
FIANCEE: “I can’t marry a man with a naked lady tattooed on his BUTT!” SAMBERG: “I don’t have a (*looks in mirror*) AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
SANDLER: “Aw, geez, son. It’s almost like you’re MY dad, and I’M your… boy?”
SANDLER: “Happy bachelor party, kiddo. I hope you like pizza, WITH STRIPPERS!”
SANDLER: “I had sex with an old lady last night, and it was freakin’ OSSSSSSSSUM!”
SAMBERG: “Dad! You, you, you FUCKED my wedding cake???”
MINISTER: “Why yes, I am an ordained minister, in the church of… SATAN!” OTHERS: “Whoa, Alice Cooper!”
SANDLER: “You know, you’re gonna be a dad someday.” SAMBERG: “So are you.” SANDLER: “HEY!!!! SHABBIDY DOOOOOO!”
1st June 2012
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The 96 - facing away from each other, standing. Butts to ankles.
The Down Low - Secretive gay sex aboard a submarine.
The Oops! All Berries - Sack only.
The Jay Leno - An 11:30pm hate fuck with NBC on in the background.
The Bill Clinton - Putting your dick in a saxaphone.
8th May 2012
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Ladies, you gotta
Think like a man,
Act like a lady,
Sleep like a baby,
Eat like a bird,
Drink like a fish,
Fuck like a hooker,
Curse like a sailor,
Rock like a hurricane,
Drive like a robot,
Kill like a soldier,
Walk like a crab,
Fight like an inmate,
Die like a cat (9 times),
Have an exoskeleton like a roach,
Be mealy like an old pear,
Contain beans, rice, cheese and meat like a flour tortilla,
And also have a penis like a man.
TRUST ME LADIES!
20th April 2012
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BROTHERS! SISTERS!!! FRIENDS!! Before you put anything in the air today, make sure everyone around you is cool. Is there someone there who you’ve never met before? Maybe someone you’ve known for a lot less time than everyone else? Well… they could be a NARC! An undercover narcotics officer! Here are some dead giveaways:
- The tags are still on their cargo pants and generic t-shirt with a skateboard on it.
- They keep whispering into the flower on their lapel.
- They have a mustache (applies to 7th-11th graders especially).
- They drive a Crown Victoria that they “inherited from their Gam-Gam.”
- They say, “pass me Exhibit A” referring to the joint that’s going around.
- They ask, “Is anyone else experiencing a sense of euphoria from the illegal substance we’ve all ingested?”
- They transferred to your school after moving from Anytown, USA.
- They want to know if you want to “go to a rock concert at the local music hall.”
- They arrest you for possession of marijuana.